Alma 48: Terrible Role Models

Here the Book of Mormon gives us a snapshot of both sides of the impending conflict between the Nephites and the Lamanites.  Amalickiah is whipping his men into a frenzy with the intent to conquer and enslave the Nephites while Moroni and Helaman look after the military and spiritual strength of their own society.


For Example, Let Me Talk About Something Completely Unrelated
This chapter clumsily tries to contrast Amalickiah with Moroni:

Now it came to pass that while Amalickiah had thus been obtaining power by fraud and deceit, Moroni, on the other hand, had been preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God.

Yea, he had been strengthening the armies of the Nephites; and erecting small forts, or places of resort; throwing up banks of earth round about to enclose his armies, and also building walls of stone to encircle them about, round about their cities and the borders of their lands; yea, all round about the land.

Okay, first of all, that second verse is one sentence in which the word "round" is used three times and the word "about" is used four times.  Bad translation or bad writing?

But more importantly, Moroni is claimed to have been "preparing the minds of the people to be faithful unto the Lord their God."  In support of this statement, we get to hear a lot of talk about exactly how he fortified Nephite settlements against the inevitable attack of the Lamanites.  What does that have to do with preparing the people to be faithful to God?

But even more importantly than that, why is this kind of detail even included?  This book is supposed to be a way to bring people in the modern era to a knowledge of Jesus Christ's gospel.  Assuming Moroni actually did help keep the Nephites faithful to avert their destruction, wouldn't it be more helpful for us to read about that stuff than about how he decided to place his troops according to the strength of the fortifications in a particular area?  The righteous army becoming victorious over the wicked army thing has been done to death in this book already, and there are still plenty more of these tales to come.

Even if this story is supposed to illustrate the triumph of good over evil, the rewards of piety and the punishments of iniquity, it's a theme that's already been introduced and reiterated.  Isn't it about time we stop discussing the military strategies and the particulars of bloodshed and start talking about the fullness of the gospel?  Couldn't we have used this space on the gold plates to discuss important doctrines that had to be filled in later?  Wouldn't it make sense to talk about the age of accountability and eternal marriage and baptism for the dead and all that good stuff?


My Heart Swoons for Moroni
Perhaps the most notable reason for the all-too-common Captain Moroni Mancrush is verse 17:

Yea, verily, verily I say unto you, if all men had been, and were, and ever would be, like unto Moroni, behold, the very powers of hell would have been shaken forever; yea, the devil would never have power over the hearts of the children of men.

That's a bold statement to make.  But I think this can be safely disregarded, considering the narrator is totally unreliable.  I mean, look at this blatant lie in verse 11:

And Moroni was a strong and mighty man; he was a man of a perfect understanding; yea, a man that did not delight in bloodshed...

A man who does not delight in bloodshed probably wouldn't execute people who don't want to be part of his preferred system of government or permit his men to slaughter an opposing army that's already surrendered simply because they can't promise there won't ever be another war.  We're expected to believe that the kind of person who did that stuff is the paragon of virtue?  Listen, Joseph, telling your audience that your character is awesome isn't going to amount to much if you keep having him do horrible stuff.  The guy's a monster.  You should go back and rethink some of your characterization.  What you shouldn't do is dig yourself in deeper:

Behold, he was a man like unto Ammon, the son of Mosiah...

"Behold, he was a man like unto Walter White, and also Anakin Skywalker,
and verily, even like unto Tom Riddle, for behold, they were all men of God."

Okay, technically, this verse is perfectly accurate.  But not in the way Joseph Smith intended.  Because Ammon was a piece of work, too.  Remember the time he chopped off all those arms with hardly any provocation whatsoever and then later played it off like it wasn't a big deal?  And I can't leave out the time when Ammon threatened to kill the king of the Lamanites to get his idiot brothers out of prison and ensure that his buddy Lamoni got to keep his throne.

These men are not good role models.

Nephite Selfishness

Just to reiterate that the Nephites are good and the Lamanites are bad, verse 23 contains a general assessment of the Nephites' emotions concerning the coming war:

Now, they were sorry to take up arms against the Lamanites, because they did not delight in the shedding of blood; yea, and this was not all—they were sorry to be the means of sending so many of their brethren out of this world into an eternal world, unprepared to meet their God.

If you're so sorry to have to kill people, why is there no mention of diplomacy being attempted?  Sure, Amalickiah is a bloodlusting lunatic who wants to wipe you all out, but it doesn't speak much to your hesitancy for battle that no other alternatives are even discussed.  You could try assassinating Amalickiah, because at least that would only be one death.  Or you could just pick up your whole society and move somewhere far away on this huge continent where the Lamanites won't bother you.  (And don't act like huge groups of people haven't just wandered off at a moment's notice before.)

And there's also the rationale of whether or not the people dying are prepared for the afterlife.  If the Nephites are so righteous and the Lamanites are so wicked, shouldn't the Nephites be happy to die so that the Lamanites will have more time in the mortal realm to become converted to the gospel?  After all, it's better that a few good men should perish than that an entire nation of wicked people should perish in unbelief, right?  If these Nephites truly had the Lamanites' best interests at heart, they would be willing to submit to anything the Lamanites would do to them rather than cut short their opportunities to convert.  Or, at the very least, they should be making preparations for an intense wave of missionary work instead of making preparations for war.

Alma 47: The Impossible Coup

Now we will return in our record to Amalickiah and those who fled with him into the wilderness...oh, wait, that's exactly how the chapter starts.  With these kinds of brilliant narrative segues, it's a wonder First Nephi didn't begin with "once upon a time on a dark and stormy night."


So Many Stupid Kings
Our favorite scumbag marches his posse into Lamanite territory and somehow convinces their king that they need to go to war against the Nephites.  The king makes a weird, panicky decree across his entire kingdom that everybody has to go to war, and many people are too scared of the Nephites to obey.  So, following the Book of Mormon's proud tradition of stupid, gullible kings, the Lamanite ruler then gives Amalickiah command of the part of the army that actually answered the call.

Let's say an unknown out-of-towner wanders into your kingdom with the message that you really, really need to declare war on your neighboring country.  And let's say this makes you so nervous that you basically try to draft every able-bodied man in your entire nation into the military.  A lot of people take issue with the very real possibility of being forced to die for their country, so not everyone who's drafted actually shows up.  What's the best course of action?  Do you use your existing leader of the army to force everyone to comply?  Or do you give control of the army to the guy you just met who's heavily influenced your last two major decisions and let his inscrutable and unpredictable motives wield the full power of your national military might?

Idiot.  No wonder he gets murdered for his throne.


Socially Progressive Lamanites
Amalickiah takes the army and goes to confront the group of draft-dodgers who, strangely, have gathered in a defensive position so that they can fight for their right not to have to fight.  Amalickiah manages to convince their leader, Lehonti, to bring his armies down from their mountain stronghold and surround his recently-acquired Lamanite army under cover of darkness.  Rather than die, the Lamanite army agrees to unite itself with the dissenters under Lehonti's leadership.  Amalickiah then has an associate poison Lehonti so that he can ascend from second-in-command to supreme leader.  When he marches the whole group back to the king, he has one of his cronies stab the king to death and blames it on the royal servants.  After chasing the king's servants out of the country and using their flight as evidence of their guilt, he has effectively gained the support of the people.  Then he marries the queen and completes his rise to total power over the Lamanite nation.

This could never have happened if he'd been a Lamanite trying to usurp the Nephite throne.

This plan of Amalickiah's only worked because the Lamanite king trusted him despite his white and delightsome skin, because Lehonti trusted him (albeit hesitantly) despite his white and delightsome skin, because the Lamanite queen trusted (and married) him despite his white and delightsome skin, and the rest of the country supported him as the king's replacement despite his white and delightsome skin.  While this kind of open-mindedness clearly allowed the Lamanites to be manipulated, it also means they're better people than their God-favored neighbors.  They don't exclude people from their society based on skin color or perceived moral inferiority, and that makes them even more enlightened than the god their white and delightsome peers tend to worship.


Apostates Are More Evil Than Non-Believers
The chapter closes by discussing those among the Lamanites who were, like their new king, former Nephites:

Now these dissenters, having the same instruction and the same information of the Nephites, yea, having been instructed in the same knowledge of the Lord, nevertheless, it is strange to relate, not long after their dissensions they became more hardened and impenitent, and more wild, wicked and ferocious than the Lamanites—drinking in with the traditions of the Lamanites; giving way to indolence, and all manner of lasciviousness; yea, entirely forgetting the Lord of their God.

This is a common misconception held by faithful Mormons, which is helpfully given a scriptural basis.  This verse is basically saying that once a Nephite leaves his pious society, he forgets how not to be a completely awful human being.  Not only will he abandon his religion, but he'll also become evil, savage, violent, lazy, and sexually deviant.

People need to be more cognizant of the fact that religion can neither claim a monopoly on moral behavior nor guarantee that its devotees will exhibit such behavior.  There are plenty of wonderful people who are atheists (or ex-Mormons) and plenty of atrocious people who are loyally seated in LDS chapels every Sunday morning.  Anyone who's ever spent time with someone from a religious background different from his own should know this.  And anyone who reads this verse should immediately disregard it as severely oversimplifying the spectrum of human conduct.

Mormon-Themed Memes 9: All Right, Brethren!

Here are a few recent scenes from the Apostles' war room:

Past Mormon Memes:

Mormon-Themed Memes #8

Mormon-Themed Memes #7:  Steven Kapp Ducreux

Mormon-Themed Memes #6

Mormon-Themed Memes #5:  Douchebag Dieter

Mormon-Themed Memes #4

Mormon-Themed Memes #3

Mormon-Themed Memes #2

Mormon-Themed Memes #1

Alma 46: The Title of Gliberty

This chapter sees the rise of Amalickiah, who ambitiously wants to destroy the church and become a king at the same time.


Hatred Transcending Reason
Amalickiah emerges as the leader of the faction of wicked Nephites, and he's somehow managed to lead away a decent chunk of Helaman's appointed priests during his rise to prominence.  What I find amusing, however, is the insanely fast, insanely irrational escalation depicted in the opening verses of the chapter:

And it came to pass that as many as would not hearken to the words of Helaman and his brethren were gathered together against their brethren.

And now behold, they were exceedingly wroth, insomuch that they were determined to slay them. 

Slow down, there, champ!  It hasn't even been a year yet!  This is still the nineteenth year of the reign of the judges (or approximately 73 BC for normal people).  You guys have just barely split into two factions, so there's no need to be getting all murderous just yet.  Seriously, shouldn't it have taken a little more time for Amalickiah to win over so many people and then whip them into a Helaman-hating frenzy?

Nephites Must be Excellent Speed-Readers
Captain Moroni is so distraught over the apostasy and appetite for violence that seem to be gaining so much traction among his countrymen that he tears his coat and writes some epic words on it:  "In memory of our God, our religion, and freedom, and our peace, our wives, and our children."  Because family comes last.  (Well, second-to-last, because parallel structure is even less of a priority.)

And when Moroni had said these words, he went forth among the people, waving the rent part of his garment in the air, that all might see the writing which he had written upon the rent part, and crying with a loud voice...

If a decorated war hero starts tearing his clothes off, tying some of it to a pole, writing stuff on it, running around in public screaming and waving his shirt like people are actually going to be able to read the entire sentence before the flag flaps back on itself, wouldn't you think...nervous breakdown?  Post-traumatic stress disorder?  Too much strong drink?

But somehow Moroni makes it work and his coat becomes a called the Title of Liberty, which stands as an ensign and a rallying cry among the righteous Nephites.


What Kind of an Idiot Makes That Deal?
People love Moroni's stripping antics so much that they follow suit, tearing their own clothes off as some kind of weird symbolic gesture of agreement.  And, as a group (because groups of people in the Book of Mormon often speak with one voice), they declare their loyalty:

Now this was the covenant which they made, and they cast their garments at the feet of Moroni, saying: We covenant with our God, that we shall be destroyed, even as our brethren in the land northward, if we shall fall into transgression; yea, he may cast us at the feet of our enemies, even as we have cast our garments at thy feet to be trodden under foot, if we shall fall into transgression.

Okay.  Um, why?

First of all, thanks to the previous chapter's prophecy, we know that the Nephites are eventually going to be destroyed because of their transgressions.  I really doubt Joseph Smith was going for dramatic irony here, but it's a decent example nonetheless.  Looks like there is a little literary value to the Book of Mormon after all.

Secondly, who does that?  "Hey, God, listen, I just want to say, if I ever start being wicked, you should totally send the Lamanites to beat us to a bloody pulp until we all die."  Not only is that a pretty one-sided covenant, but it's basically what God's been saying he's going to do for the last few hundred pages anyway.  You might as well just say, "Hey, God, you remember all that horrible stuff you were going to do to us because you love us so much?  Don't forget to do it later when we wind up totally deserving it."

It's also odd that the covenant mentions being destroyed "even as our brethren in the land northward." That's clearly referring to the Lamanites.  But when have the Lamanites ever been destroyed by God because of their iniquity?  The Nephites are the ones who get destroyed.  The Lamanites merely get proselytized into unconsciousness.

What Kind of an Idiot Doesn't Make that Deal?
Amalickiah chickens out of his plan to kill all the religious people because he realizes he's outnumbered.  So he takes his followers and tries to flee northward, hoping that the Lamanites are stupid enough and bloodthirsty enough that he can just manipulate them into doing the heavy lifting.  Captain Moroni intervenes with his army to stop the Amalickiahites from adding to the already overwhelming ranks of the Lamanites, but Amalickiah himself and a few of his closest friends escape.  What does Moroni do with the ones he captures?

Now, Moroni being a man who was appointed by the chief judges and the voice of the people, therefore he had power according to his will with the armies of the Nephites, to establish and to exercise authority over them.

And it came to pass that whomsoever of the Amalickiahites that would not enter into a covenant to support the cause of freedom, that they might maintain a free government, he caused to be put to death; and there were but a few who denied the covenant of freedom.

There is so much wrong with this.

First, who appointed Moroni?  The chief judges and the people?  Or is this another part of the Book of Mormon's love affair with American-style representative democracy?  (Because he was appointed by officials who were elected by the people, then he must have been appointed by the people!)

Second, his authority is over the army.  Why would anyone think it's a good idea for him to also have the unadulterated power to kill prisoners whose only crime so far is disliking the current form of government?  If anything, that sounds like sedition, which should fall under the purview of one of the judges, not the military.

Third, Moroni has once again delivered an unfair ultimatum to coerce people into doing what he wants.  It's completely unwarranted to execute all these people, but he decides to do it because then he'll scare the rest of them into rejoining society as upstanding citizens who believe in freedom.  But come on...look at all the hypocrisy involved in his threat:  "Say you love freedom or I'll kill you!  Except the freedom to live, we don't care about that in our free government!"

Fourth, how stupid is this Moroni dude?  If the only other option is death, how many hearts and minds is he really winning over to this whole freedom-and-liberty obsession of his?  He clearly can't practice what he preaches, and the ones who are smart enough to take the deal and pledge themselves to a free government are bound to be left with some deep-seated resentment over murdered comrades and abuse of military power and being stiff-armed with political dogma.

And lastly..."there were but a few who denied the covenant of freedom."  Who the hell wouldn't take the deal?  I mean, I guess it's noble to die for a cause you truly believe in or whatever, but come on.  Have some sense, Amalickiahites!  Claim to love freedom and then secretly plan to overthrow the government later.  Is it really that hard to come up with that idea?


Death and the God-given Herbal Cures
The chapter concludes with a strange little footnote about death and disease:

And there were some who died with fevers, which at some seasons of the year were very frequent in the land—but not so much so with fevers, because of the excellent qualities of the many plants and roots which God had prepared to remove the cause of diseases, to which men were subjected by the nature of the climate—

Okay, that's fascinating.  This is yet one more thing that really didn't need to be carefully etched into metal a few times and preserved for the modern era.  But I guess it's nice that the Nephites had some kind of rudimentary understanding of medicine.  Good for them.

Alma 45: Alma's Last Words

We're transitioning between protagonists now, as Alma and his wacky adventures have run their course.  He's an old man who's about to disappear mysteriously amid rumors of being translated, but he needs to make sure his son Helaman is in place as a worthy successor.


Mum's the Word
After conducting a quick personal priesthood interview with Helaman, Alma says that he has something important to tell him.

But behold, I have somewhat to prophesy unto thee; but what I prophesy unto thee ye shall not make known; yea, what I prophesy unto thee shall not be made known, even until the prophecy is fulfilled; therefore write the words which I shall say.

He then proceeds to foretell the demise of the Nephite nation due to the wickedness that will envelop their culture four hundred years after the coming of Christ.  But why, exactly does this need to be kept a secret?  Alma doesn't say.

It seems to me that the right thing to do in this situation would be to publicize the prophecy.  Most people will probably ignore it, sure, but isn't it fair to give the Nephites a fighting chance to avert their own downfall?


Some Exclusions Apply
Alma's fresh off an explanation of how the Lamanites will hunt the Nephites to extinction when he drops this contradictory claim:

And he said: Thus saith the Lord God—Cursed shall be the land, yea, this land, unto every nation, kindred, tongue, and people, unto destruction, which do wickedly, when they are fully ripe; and as I have said so shall it be; for this is the cursing and the blessing of God upon the land, for the Lord cannot look upon sin with the least degree of allowance.

God cannot allow sin in any way.  Which is why he's going to kill off the sinful Nephites.  Except that he's going to use the also sinful Lamanites to make it happen.  And one thousand years later, the Lamanites are still going to be happily going about their business when the Europeans show up.  Why, exactly, are the Lamanites excluded from this zero tolerance policy?

Sure, sure, back in the day it was because the Lamanites didn't know any better and the Nephites had the truth of the gospel in their lives, bringing about greater accountability.  But by the time this prophecy comes to fruition, the Lamanites and Nephites will have both been enlightened followers of Christ and they will have both been bloodthirsty evildoers.  There's so much corrupting and converting going on in the Book of Mormon that it's completely unfair to claim that the Lamanites didn't know any better and the Nephites should have.

If God cannot look on sin with the least degree of allowance, then both tribes should be obliterated.  Or if God is actually as loving as Mormonism tries to depict him, then both tribes should be preserved.  But only one being exterminated?  The reasoning makes no sense.


High Gospel Turnover
Once his dad wanders off to meet the fate of Amelia Earhart, Helaman gets to work on fixing the religion-related problems in his society:

Therefore, Helaman and his brethren went forth to establish the church again in all the land, yea, in every city throughout all the land which was possessed by the people of Nephi. And it came to pass that they did appoint priests and teachers throughout all the land, over all the churches.

That's great.  Except that forty-five years earlier, Alma had done the exact same thing.  Did the gospel really have such a fragile foothold in Nephite society that the church would need to be reestablished in the lifetime of many who were present during its initial establishment?  Was there really such a weak cultural tradition that belief in the church could all but die out in less than fifty years?  Was the church itself so structurally unsound that its leadership hierarchy could almost entirely dissolve after a short war?

After Helaman went on his church reunion tour, there "arose a dissension" of people who refused to listen to the words of God and who began to be proud and wealthy.  This brings me to my best theory as to why the church struggled so much in the Nephite kingdom—the gospel keeps dying of whiplash.