If Mormons Wrote American History

Let's say, for a bit of fun, that the American government is run the same way that the LDS church is run.  Which means, of course, it would exert an undue amount of influence on the representation of its own history.  So what would happen if America wrote its history the way Mormonism would?

The concept behind this, of course, would be the assumption that America is and always has been perfect, the best government on the planet populated with the most upstanding citizens and led by the most virtuous leaders.    The history would have to be modified to match that idea.

So let's begin at the beginning.

1 Nephi 22: Nephi Babbles

Nephi stops quoting Isaiah for a while.  His ever-waffling brothers ask more unexpectedly poignant questions that allow him to go off on a rant about how all the stuff Isaiah he was talking about is true, all of it will come to pass in a literal, temporal sense, and people had better repent to make sure they don't get destroyed.

I think it's safe to say that Nephi doesn't really know what he's talking about.  A few examples:

I Think You Got Your Churches Backwards, Chief

Verse 13:

And the blood of that great and abominable church, which is the whore of all the earth, shall turn upon their own heads; for they shall war among themselves, and the sword of their own hands shall fall upon their own heads, and they shall be drunken with their own blood.

Not only is this a bizarre mixing of metaphors, but it sounds a lot like the current LDS church...not like the great and abominable church--you know, the church that is supposed to be made up of all the churches that aren't God's true church.  I haven't noticed a whole lot of other churches falling on their own swords or getting skewered by their own doctrines.

Still Waiting
Verse 16:

For the time soon cometh that the fulness of the wrath of God shall be poured out upon all the children of men; for he will not suffer that the wicked shall destroy the righteous.

Has anybody noticed the wrath of God being poured out upon the children of men?  I haven't.  But Nephi said it would happen soon about 2600 years ago.

I suppose you could make the argument that this might count as "soon" in God's eternal perspective, but going on the claim that humanity is only about 6000 years old, this "soon" accounts for just shy of 43% of the earth's timeline so far.  That's not "soon" by anybody's definition.

Mitt Romney and Public Scrutiny

I am not well-versed in politics.

I understand the basics of how the US Government is constructed, and I have my opinions about what I want in a President and what kinds of things I want my representatives to consider priorities.  But I'm not intimately familiar with the bureaucracy or the details of certain bills and I couldn't really tell you how the nominees stand on various issues.

But I do like to think that I'm well-versed in how the Mormon church operates and that I have a pretty good handle on human nature.  And that's why I give credence to my own opinion that Mitt Romney is not good for the church.  At all.

Two Years is a Long Time

As of today, my girlfriend and I have been together two years.

Pondering the passage of that amount of time makes me look back to when I was considering serving a mission for the LDS church.  After much thought and a hell of a lot of prayer, I decided against going.  I realized that I wasn't so sure of the truthfulness of the church and I was not going to devote two years of my life in the service of something that, by my most careful assessments, was "probably true."

That was a good call.  Looking back on the last two years of my life, I try to imagine if I'd spent that amount of time preaching in a foreign country instead of spending time with the girl I love.  And I just keep coming back to the realization that two years is a long time.

I went into the relationship with my girlfriend voluntarily, and I was committed to it.  And even though we've had a pretty smooth ride free of the dramas that can plague other couples (especially among our generation), we've had our ups and downs.  It's all been worth it.  But I can't fathom the possibility that I almost spent that same amount of time working for a cause I was not fully committed to--how miserable would I have been for those two years?

Two years is a long time.

I considered going on a mission in the hope of gaining a testimony while I was serving.  I'd heard of others having this experience, and I thought maybe I should just go.  I'd grown up in the church, and it was expected that I'd serve a mission, and I didn't relish the thought of being a twenty-year-old male in the church who wasn't a missionary.  I figured maybe going despite my uneasiness would make things easier and that I'd come home with a testimony and it would be worth it in the end.  

But two years is a long time.

If I'd managed to stick it out for the full two years, I have a feeling they would have been the worst two years of my life.  I'd be removed from my family and the comforts I'd grown used to, planted in an unfamiliar place with unfamiliar people, and I'd spend my days fervently telling people to believe in something that I had only a casual interest in and a tepid trust in.  My hypocrisy would have eaten away at me.  And it would have eaten away at me for two years.

Two years is a long time.

I'm proud of myself.  I'm proud that I stood up to the society I was in and made the difficult choice to proceed in a different direction.  I'm proud that I learned to start spending my time with things that I felt committed to and invested in.  And I'm proud that I used my years my way.

Because two years is a long time to waste.

I Made a Mistake

I'm going back to the church.

Just kidding.

April Fool's jokes are never funny.