Anybody have some more?
Past Mormon Memes:
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Mosiah 24: The Greater Escape
This chapter is pretty much Chapter 22 reloaded. I'm pretty sure that this is the way Joseph Smith wished he'd written Chapter 22 the first time. But once he'd screwed that one up, he couldn't tell his scribe they were going to go back and rewrite it without threatening his claim of divine inspiration. So instead, he simply told a very similar—but improved—story. Here are some key differences:
God is involved. The almost-miraculous escape of Limhi's people from Lamanite rule was entirely attributed to acts of man. But in Alma's story, the people pray for deliverance and are given three miracles. God is depicted as being heavily involved and central to the story.
God speaks directly to his people. Instead of plotting an escape in a very public meeting, the people of Alma are provided with their solution by God, who is probably much better at communicating in secret than that idiot Limhi. Although it seems pretty weird that so many people got to hear the voice of God despite the fact that it's been a while since even a modern prophet made such a claim, at least the story makes sense by itself.
The Lamanites go into a deep sleep instead of getting smashed. Rather than offering the Lamanites extra wine and hoping that none of them had any self-control whatsoever, Alma's people have the assurance of a divine miracle. The Lamanites fall into what appeared to be a temporary God-induced mass coma, which makes it more believable that so many people can take everything they own, including animals, and walk out without getting caught.
God confounded the pursuing Lamanite army. While Alma and his people are fleeing in the wilderness, God informs him that the Lamanites are coming for them. He tells Alma to get the people out of their current location and that he will "stop" them there so that they can pursue them no further. This stands in stark contrast to the absurd events of chapter 22, in which the fleeing people of Limhi, with all their children and livestock and possessions, inexplicably manage to outstrip a trailing Lamanite army by a significant margin.
The other point I'd like to make is that at two different locations in this chapter, Alma's followers attribute things to the wrong people. In verse 15, when God makes their burdens feel light, it says that "they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." That's a little strange, considering that the will of the Lord was only helping them. It's more noteworthy to say that they submitted cheerfully to the will of their evil Lamanite taskmasters. You can hardly be said to "submit" to something that you're totally on board with, such as an all-powerful being doing you a solid when you're in a tight spot.
The second time this occurs is in verse 20, when the freshly-escaped people camp out in a valley in the wilderness. They name the valley Alma "because he led their way in the wilderness." That's a little strange, considering that, based on recent events, you'd think it would be more appropriate to name the valley the Nephite word for "glory to God" or something. It doesn't seem very grateful of such a righteous, humbled people, to, after God sticks his neck out for them twice, name the first place they come to after the man who was simply acting as his mouthpiece.
Even though it's a huge improvement over the earlier story it mirrors, this chapter still has its dumb moments.
God is involved. The almost-miraculous escape of Limhi's people from Lamanite rule was entirely attributed to acts of man. But in Alma's story, the people pray for deliverance and are given three miracles. God is depicted as being heavily involved and central to the story.
God speaks directly to his people. Instead of plotting an escape in a very public meeting, the people of Alma are provided with their solution by God, who is probably much better at communicating in secret than that idiot Limhi. Although it seems pretty weird that so many people got to hear the voice of God despite the fact that it's been a while since even a modern prophet made such a claim, at least the story makes sense by itself.
The Lamanites go into a deep sleep instead of getting smashed. Rather than offering the Lamanites extra wine and hoping that none of them had any self-control whatsoever, Alma's people have the assurance of a divine miracle. The Lamanites fall into what appeared to be a temporary God-induced mass coma, which makes it more believable that so many people can take everything they own, including animals, and walk out without getting caught.
God confounded the pursuing Lamanite army. While Alma and his people are fleeing in the wilderness, God informs him that the Lamanites are coming for them. He tells Alma to get the people out of their current location and that he will "stop" them there so that they can pursue them no further. This stands in stark contrast to the absurd events of chapter 22, in which the fleeing people of Limhi, with all their children and livestock and possessions, inexplicably manage to outstrip a trailing Lamanite army by a significant margin.
The other point I'd like to make is that at two different locations in this chapter, Alma's followers attribute things to the wrong people. In verse 15, when God makes their burdens feel light, it says that "they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord." That's a little strange, considering that the will of the Lord was only helping them. It's more noteworthy to say that they submitted cheerfully to the will of their evil Lamanite taskmasters. You can hardly be said to "submit" to something that you're totally on board with, such as an all-powerful being doing you a solid when you're in a tight spot.
The second time this occurs is in verse 20, when the freshly-escaped people camp out in a valley in the wilderness. They name the valley Alma "because he led their way in the wilderness." That's a little strange, considering that, based on recent events, you'd think it would be more appropriate to name the valley the Nephite word for "glory to God" or something. It doesn't seem very grateful of such a righteous, humbled people, to, after God sticks his neck out for them twice, name the first place they come to after the man who was simply acting as his mouthpiece.
Even though it's a huge improvement over the earlier story it mirrors, this chapter still has its dumb moments.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
The Little Children Suffer
My nephew is three.
He's being raised by my firm-in-the-faith sister and her firm-in-the-faith husband. Recently, my sister and her son visited my firm-in-the-faith parents for the week. I dropped by a few times to see them during that time.
My nephew likes Family Home Evenings. He likes saying the blessing on the food. He likes singing primary songs and he loves Jesus. My family thinks that all of these things are cute. Meanwhile, I silently observe, thinking that all those same things are despicable.
He doesn't understand any of it. He insists on having Family Home Evening every week not because he loves the gospel, but because he likes the routine. He says the blessing on the food not because he wants to thank his Lord for the bounty he is about to receive, but because his parents say the blessing on the food--his prayers are mostly gibberish anyway. He loves to sing primary songs not because he wants to worship his Heavenly Father but because he likes to sing whether he knows and comprehends the lyrics or not. And he says that he loves Jesus because he gets such a huge outpouring of parental approval whenever he says it, not because he understands what love is or who Jesus was or why Jesus deserves our love.
My sister thinks he's cute. And he is. But he's also a poster boy for a very ugly brainwashing machine that is probably going to con him into wasting two years of his life and ten percent of his money down the road.
After the discussions my dad and I had about brainwashing a while back, I don't understand how he can't see it. For Family Home Evening, my dad pulled out his iPad and played "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus" for the opening song. My nephew eagerly sang along with it, babbling incoherently through the verses and getting about half the words right on the choruses. Meanwhile, my dad sang along, trying to enunciate carefully so my nephew could understand. When my nephew became louder and more confident during the chorus, it wasn't because he believed what he was singing, it was just because he suddenly knew what he was supposed to sing. How does that not look like brainwashing?
He's three. He doesn't understand. How horrible is it to force that kind of belief on someone who hasn't yet developed the ability to judge the credibility of new information?
And now my sister has another son who will probably share my first nephew's fate.
He's being raised by my firm-in-the-faith sister and her firm-in-the-faith husband. Recently, my sister and her son visited my firm-in-the-faith parents for the week. I dropped by a few times to see them during that time.
My nephew likes Family Home Evenings. He likes saying the blessing on the food. He likes singing primary songs and he loves Jesus. My family thinks that all of these things are cute. Meanwhile, I silently observe, thinking that all those same things are despicable.
He doesn't understand any of it. He insists on having Family Home Evening every week not because he loves the gospel, but because he likes the routine. He says the blessing on the food not because he wants to thank his Lord for the bounty he is about to receive, but because his parents say the blessing on the food--his prayers are mostly gibberish anyway. He loves to sing primary songs not because he wants to worship his Heavenly Father but because he likes to sing whether he knows and comprehends the lyrics or not. And he says that he loves Jesus because he gets such a huge outpouring of parental approval whenever he says it, not because he understands what love is or who Jesus was or why Jesus deserves our love.
My sister thinks he's cute. And he is. But he's also a poster boy for a very ugly brainwashing machine that is probably going to con him into wasting two years of his life and ten percent of his money down the road.
After the discussions my dad and I had about brainwashing a while back, I don't understand how he can't see it. For Family Home Evening, my dad pulled out his iPad and played "I'm Trying to Be Like Jesus" for the opening song. My nephew eagerly sang along with it, babbling incoherently through the verses and getting about half the words right on the choruses. Meanwhile, my dad sang along, trying to enunciate carefully so my nephew could understand. When my nephew became louder and more confident during the chorus, it wasn't because he believed what he was singing, it was just because he suddenly knew what he was supposed to sing. How does that not look like brainwashing?
He's three. He doesn't understand. How horrible is it to force that kind of belief on someone who hasn't yet developed the ability to judge the credibility of new information?
And now my sister has another son who will probably share my first nephew's fate.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
Mosiah 23: Sucks to be Alma
Now we switch to the story of Alma following his people's escape from King Noah's attempt to quash their religious subculture.
Alma Institutes Doublethink
So because people are stupid, the first thing that Alma's followers do when they set up a little town eight days' journey away from King Noah is beg him to be their king. Alma responds very self-righteously:
Alma makes a big show of turning down power and then, whether the people realize it or not, he accepts it in a different form. Alma, you sly little worm, don't think we didn't notice.
Getting Toyed With by God
After Alma's people set up their little government of uncertain structure in the land of Helam, the Lamanite armies eventually find them. This same Lamanite army had also discovered where the rogue priests of King Noah had been hiding. By the time the Lamanites find Alma, they'd been convinced to assimilate Noah's old priests (and their stolen Lamanite wives) into Lamanite society. When their massive armies descend upon the land of Helam, they decide to appoint Amulon, the leader of Noah's priests, as their puppet king over the easily conquered people of Alma.
Those events begin to unfold in verse 25 and continue to the end of the chapter. But immediately before that story, in verses 23 and 24, we read:
Can you even consider the escape of Alma's people a faith-promoting story if everything goes to crap again right after the happy ending part? Unless the moral of the story is trust in God and have a selective memory.
Alma Institutes Doublethink
So because people are stupid, the first thing that Alma's followers do when they set up a little town eight days' journey away from King Noah is beg him to be their king. Alma responds very self-righteously:
Behold, it is not expedient that we should have a king; for thus saith the Lord: Ye shall not esteem one flesh above another, or one man shall not think himself above another; therefore I say unto you it is not expedient that ye should have a king.
...I desire that ye should stand fast in this liberty wherewith ye have been made free, and that ye trust no man to be a king over you.But then, of course, Alma became their high priest instead. He's too humble to be their king and possibly wield more power than one man should have, but he's not too humble to be their religious leader and wield more power than one man should have. It's not like the head of a religion to which virtually everyone in a society belongs can influence the people or the politics of a region. Right, Medieval Europe?
Alma makes a big show of turning down power and then, whether the people realize it or not, he accepts it in a different form. Alma, you sly little worm, don't think we didn't notice.
Getting Toyed With by God
After Alma's people set up their little government of uncertain structure in the land of Helam, the Lamanite armies eventually find them. This same Lamanite army had also discovered where the rogue priests of King Noah had been hiding. By the time the Lamanites find Alma, they'd been convinced to assimilate Noah's old priests (and their stolen Lamanite wives) into Lamanite society. When their massive armies descend upon the land of Helam, they decide to appoint Amulon, the leader of Noah's priests, as their puppet king over the easily conquered people of Alma.
Those events begin to unfold in verse 25 and continue to the end of the chapter. But immediately before that story, in verses 23 and 24, we read:
For behold, I will show unto you that they [the Nephites] were brought into bondage, and none could deliver them but the Lord their God, yea, even the God of Abraham and Isaac and Jacob.
And it came to pass that he did deliver them, and he did show forth his mighty power unto them, and great were their rejoicings.Yes, great were their rejoicings, and in a nonspecific time frame not exceeding the length of a generation, they were back in bondage again. And their powerful god, who delivered them from bondage because they were his favored race and because they'd finally started getting righteous again, decided to let them be captured by Lamanites even though they hadn't even fallen into iniquity yet. What a stand-up guy, letting them praise him and rejoice in their freedom only to sit idly by while it is forcibly wrested away a few years later.
Can you even consider the escape of Alma's people a faith-promoting story if everything goes to crap again right after the happy ending part? Unless the moral of the story is trust in God and have a selective memory.
Thursday, September 19, 2013
A Conversation With Lucifer
So God says your plan sucked.
Yeah, I've heard. All I wanted to do was make sure everybody got to be as happy as possible.
God says you want to take away our free agency.
Sure, but just for your mortal lives. That would be the blink of an eye followed by an eternity in exaltation. Doesn't seem like a bad trade to me.
And when God kicked you out, you convinced a third of the host of heaven to go with you.
Everybody but God knew my plan made more sense. But only a third of you had the guts to admit it. It's okay, dude, I don't take it personally. Rebelling against God is a pretty big deal, so I don't blame you for sticking with him back in the War in Heaven.
You mean the war you started?
It wasn't a war when I started it, pal. And if there's any proof that God doesn't really care if his spirit children wind up eternally happy, it's what he did to me and my friends. He casts a third of us out and denies us the right to gain a mortal body? That's shooting one pretty epic torpedo at your own plan at the very beginning. Right off the bat--BOOM!--maximum success rate drops to sixty-seven percent.
But now that you can't have a mortal body, you want to stop us all from making the right choices so that we're all miserable like you, right?
What? Who told you that?
I learned it in Sunday School.
Listen, that makes no sense. Look, I was a good guy from the beginning--one of God's favorites. My whole thing was the Everybody Wins Plan. Sure, I'm a victim of God's Plan of Improbable Happiness, but I'm still running an underground resistance. You think I'm really shallow enough to abandon the cause I supported from the beginning just because I've had to make some personal sacrifices? God is a tyrant. I still want as many people reaching exaltation as possible. I'm working behind the scenes constantly to try and circumvent God's train wreck of a plan. One of these days, I'm going to figure out how to save everybody.
So you don't tempt people?
No. God gave you guys agency so you often choose a selfish or immoral course of action. It has nothing to do with a knowledge of good an evil--it's the availability of limitless options. You don't need anyone to tempt you to do wrong, because that implies that you wouldn't otherwise. That's not how free agency works. Free agency means that many choices are laid before you and you pick any of them for your own reasons.
So you're saying that all the evil crap in the world is just human nature? That we're naturally this horrible to each other?
Not really. Come on--cut off from your spirit parents and with no knowledge of your role or purpose or value? No offense, but you guys are kind of like wounded animals in a cage. You're scared and you don't understand what's happening so a lot of you lash out at those around you. I don't blame you for that. But it's not exactly an ideal environment for proving your goodness and loyalty to God, which is yet another reason why God's plan is so idiotic.
Is it weird that you make more sense than God did when I talked to him?
Nah. He's an out-of-touch, sadistic egomaniac.
Yeah, I've heard. All I wanted to do was make sure everybody got to be as happy as possible.
God says you want to take away our free agency.
Sure, but just for your mortal lives. That would be the blink of an eye followed by an eternity in exaltation. Doesn't seem like a bad trade to me.
And when God kicked you out, you convinced a third of the host of heaven to go with you.
Everybody but God knew my plan made more sense. But only a third of you had the guts to admit it. It's okay, dude, I don't take it personally. Rebelling against God is a pretty big deal, so I don't blame you for sticking with him back in the War in Heaven.
You mean the war you started?
It wasn't a war when I started it, pal. And if there's any proof that God doesn't really care if his spirit children wind up eternally happy, it's what he did to me and my friends. He casts a third of us out and denies us the right to gain a mortal body? That's shooting one pretty epic torpedo at your own plan at the very beginning. Right off the bat--BOOM!--maximum success rate drops to sixty-seven percent.
But now that you can't have a mortal body, you want to stop us all from making the right choices so that we're all miserable like you, right?
What? Who told you that?
I learned it in Sunday School.
Listen, that makes no sense. Look, I was a good guy from the beginning--one of God's favorites. My whole thing was the Everybody Wins Plan. Sure, I'm a victim of God's Plan of Improbable Happiness, but I'm still running an underground resistance. You think I'm really shallow enough to abandon the cause I supported from the beginning just because I've had to make some personal sacrifices? God is a tyrant. I still want as many people reaching exaltation as possible. I'm working behind the scenes constantly to try and circumvent God's train wreck of a plan. One of these days, I'm going to figure out how to save everybody.
So you don't tempt people?
No. God gave you guys agency so you often choose a selfish or immoral course of action. It has nothing to do with a knowledge of good an evil--it's the availability of limitless options. You don't need anyone to tempt you to do wrong, because that implies that you wouldn't otherwise. That's not how free agency works. Free agency means that many choices are laid before you and you pick any of them for your own reasons.
So you're saying that all the evil crap in the world is just human nature? That we're naturally this horrible to each other?
Not really. Come on--cut off from your spirit parents and with no knowledge of your role or purpose or value? No offense, but you guys are kind of like wounded animals in a cage. You're scared and you don't understand what's happening so a lot of you lash out at those around you. I don't blame you for that. But it's not exactly an ideal environment for proving your goodness and loyalty to God, which is yet another reason why God's plan is so idiotic.
Is it weird that you make more sense than God did when I talked to him?
Nah. He's an out-of-touch, sadistic egomaniac.
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