So God says your plan sucked.
Yeah, I've heard. All I wanted to do was make sure everybody got to be as happy as possible.
God says you want to take away our free agency.
Sure, but just for your mortal lives. That would be the blink of an eye followed by an eternity in exaltation. Doesn't seem like a bad trade to me.
And when God kicked you out, you convinced a third of the host of heaven to go with you.
Everybody but God knew my plan made more sense. But only a third of you had the guts to admit it. It's okay, dude, I don't take it personally. Rebelling against God is a pretty big deal, so I don't blame you for sticking with him back in the War in Heaven.
You mean the war you started?
It wasn't a war when I started it, pal. And if there's any proof that God doesn't really care if his spirit children wind up eternally happy, it's what he did to me and my friends. He casts a third of us out and denies us the right to gain a mortal body? That's shooting one pretty epic torpedo at your own plan at the very beginning. Right off the bat--BOOM!--maximum success rate drops to sixty-seven percent.
But now that you can't have a mortal body, you want to stop us all from making the right choices so that we're all miserable like you, right?
What? Who told you that?
I learned it in Sunday School.
Listen, that makes no sense. Look, I was a good guy from the beginning--one of God's favorites. My whole thing was the Everybody Wins Plan. Sure, I'm a victim of God's Plan of Improbable Happiness, but I'm still running an underground resistance. You think I'm really shallow enough to abandon the cause I supported from the beginning just because I've had to make some personal sacrifices? God is a tyrant. I still want as many people reaching exaltation as possible. I'm working behind the scenes constantly to try and circumvent God's train wreck of a plan. One of these days, I'm going to figure out how to save everybody.
So you don't tempt people?
No. God gave you guys agency so you often choose a selfish or immoral course of action. It has nothing to do with a knowledge of good an evil--it's the availability of limitless options. You don't need anyone to tempt you to do wrong, because that implies that you wouldn't otherwise. That's not how free agency works. Free agency means that many choices are laid before you and you pick any of them for your own reasons.
So you're saying that all the evil crap in the world is just human nature? That we're naturally this horrible to each other?
Not really. Come on--cut off from your spirit parents and with no knowledge of your role or purpose or value? No offense, but you guys are kind of like wounded animals in a cage. You're scared and you don't understand what's happening so a lot of you lash out at those around you. I don't blame you for that. But it's not exactly an ideal environment for proving your goodness and loyalty to God, which is yet another reason why God's plan is so idiotic.
Is it weird that you make more sense than God did when I talked to him?
Nah. He's an out-of-touch, sadistic egomaniac.