Thursday, September 19, 2013

A Conversation With Lucifer

So God says your plan sucked.

Yeah, I've heard.  All I wanted to do was make sure everybody got to be as happy as possible. 

God says you want to take away our free agency.

Sure, but just for your mortal lives.  That would be the blink of an eye followed by an eternity in exaltation.  Doesn't seem like a bad trade to me.

And when God kicked you out, you convinced a third of the host of heaven to go with you.

Everybody but God knew my plan made more sense.  But only a third of you had the guts to admit it.  It's okay, dude, I don't take it personally.  Rebelling against God is a pretty big deal, so I don't blame you for sticking with him back in the War in Heaven.

You mean the war you started?

It wasn't a war when I started it, pal.  And if there's any proof that God doesn't really care if his spirit children wind up eternally happy, it's what he did to me and my friends.  He casts a third of us out and denies us the right to gain a mortal body?  That's shooting one pretty epic torpedo at your own plan at the very beginning.  Right off the bat--BOOM!--maximum success rate drops to sixty-seven percent.  

But now that you can't have a mortal body, you want to stop us all from making the right choices so that we're all miserable like you, right?

What?  Who told you that?

I learned it in Sunday School.

Listen, that makes no sense.  Look, I was a good guy from the beginning--one of God's favorites.  My whole thing was the Everybody Wins Plan.  Sure, I'm a victim of God's Plan of Improbable Happiness, but I'm still running an underground resistance.  You think I'm really shallow enough to abandon the cause I supported from the beginning just because I've had to make some personal sacrifices?  God is a tyrant.  I still want as many people reaching exaltation as possible.  I'm working behind the scenes constantly to try and circumvent God's train wreck of a plan.  One of these days, I'm going to figure out how to save everybody.

So you don't tempt people?

No.  God gave you guys agency so you often choose a selfish or immoral course of action.  It has nothing to do with a knowledge of good an evil--it's the availability of limitless options.  You don't need anyone to tempt you to do wrong, because that implies that you wouldn't otherwise.  That's not how free agency works.  Free agency means that many choices are laid before you and you pick any of them for your own reasons.  

So you're saying that all the evil crap in the world is just human nature?  That we're naturally this horrible to each other?

Not really.  Come on--cut off from your spirit parents and with no knowledge of your role or purpose or value?  No offense, but you guys are kind of like wounded animals in a cage.  You're scared and you don't understand what's happening so a lot of you lash out at those around you.  I don't blame you for that.  But it's not exactly an ideal environment for proving your goodness and loyalty to God, which is yet another reason why God's plan is so idiotic.  

Is it weird that you make more sense than God did when I talked to him?

Nah.  He's an out-of-touch, sadistic egomaniac.


  1. One thing I've always wondered about the plan of salvation is why satan would work so hard to get so few more. Think about it. Everybody who ever lived on the earth will AT LEAST go to the Telestial kingdom (including murderers, thieves, rapists, Hitler, Stalin, you, me, etc.), except those who deny the Holy Ghost after having had their calling and election made sure. That is a Temple ordinance very, very few high up leaders in the church have received. They have to have a "perfect knowledge," which to me means actually seeing Christ. It seems such a minuscule number of maybe a few dozen when placed up against the billions that already took off with satan. You would think he would have better things to do like continuing to fight for his plan.

    You do a great job of pointing out the absurdity of it all.

    1. Another important point to make is that the main reason why Lucifer's plan wasn't chosen in the first place was because he wanted all the glory for himself. God wouldn't give him that and instead sacrificed over 1/3 of his children to assure the future glory for himself.

    2. Damn, I knew I forgot something! I had planned to point out how dumb it was for a diabolically clever father of lies to insist on getting all the glory and how petty it was for God to reject an obviously superior plan on that basis, but I guess I forgot to include it.

      The point about Lucifer expending all that effort just to get a few more souls to add to his billions is also a good one. There are almost infinite levels of absurdity to this whole thing. (Insert Inception noise here).