Mosiah 9: Zeniff's an Idiot

Okay, now we're jumping back in time to see exactly how this whole Zeniff-sells-his-society-into-bondage thing plays out.  Interestingly enough, despite my twenty years as a devoted member who thought he studied the scriptures, I had no understanding of who Zeniff was.  I recognized the name, and that was about it.  Imagine my shock when I started reading this chapter and learned that Zeniff is actually narrating.  Seems like he's kind of an important guy in Book of Mormon mythology.  Anyway, diving in...


Skipping the Good Parts
In the first few verses, Zeniff glosses over a lot of exposition that sounds like it really doesn't deserve to be exposition.  Here's what happens:

• Zeniff is sent to spy on the Lamanites to aid the Nephite army in destroying them
• Zeniff sees good things in the Lamanites and argues in favor of peace
• Zeniff is ordered to be executed, but is saved by a violent rescue
• Two factions of the army fought against each other with family members on opposing sides
• Zeniff's half is defeated but he survives, vowing to reclaim the land of his fathers

That sounds like a pretty good story.  I want to hear more about that.  But instead, Zeniff goes into more detail about how he and his followers wandered, found the land they were looking for, and started living there.  Lame.

Diabolically Clever!

So, in previous chapters, we've learned that (at least, according to Limhi, who really doesn't have a good handle on anything) Zeniff entered into a treaty with the Lamanite king way back when so that he could inherit the land of his fathers.  

I really have no idea why it's so important to him, but if that's what he wants from life, then more power to him.  

Limhi's account of his people's history seems to blame Zeniff for being overenthusiastic about this and blundering his way to selling his people into subjugation.  Verse 10 of this chapter even cites the "cunning and craftiness of king Laman" that slyly tricked Zeniff's people into bondage.  This bondage is kind of the accepted reality by the time Ammon comes along two generations later.  

But this chapter makes no mention of the heavy taxes imposed on the Nephites—something you'd think Zeniff would have mentioned.  King Laman not only agreed to let Zeniff's followers live in part of his kingdom, but he ordered that the Lamanites currently living in the area pack up and move somewhere else.  I'm sure his approval rating dropped pretty steeply after that brilliant decision.

But his evil plan continued--Laman craftily waited twelve years and then decided to declare war on Zeniff's society.  According to Zeniff, Laman was scheming to enslave the Nephites...but then wouldn't it have been easier for Laman to overtake them by force when the society was just starting out instead of giving them twelve years to organize and arm themselves?  Clearly waiting twelve years wasn't a good idea, because when Laman attacks, he's defeated—and not by a slim margin.  How exactly is this an ingenious ploy to enslave the Nephites?

Furthermore, after the Nephites have beaten back the Lamanite conquerors, why are they still considering themselves to be in bondage?  Generally, the outcome of a war determines the dominant nation.  As the victors, you'd think that Zeniff's people would—I don't know—stop paying exorbitant taxes to the Lamanites.  But for some reason, Zeniff says, "Hey, we just kicked your asses.  Here's your money." 

I don't think the Zeniff's bondage is a result of Lamanite trickery—it's a result of Nephite stupidity.

Who Counts These Bodies, Anyway?

Not bad for a peaceful society repelling a surprise attack from an organized army:

Lamanite losses:  3,043

Nephite losses:  279

You're out there on yesterday's battlefield digging a mass grave for the gruesome, stinking dead, and you're really going to count them all?  Approximate numbers seem more reasonable.  But this weirdly specific battle report implies that Zeniff was watching the burials like a hawk, shouting, "Did you count the funny-looking one with the javelin through his neck?  Okay, make that 2,047 so far."

Mosiah 8: The Mystery of the Jaredites

King Limhi, after making a really terrible speech to his people, begins nagging Ammon to translate the writing on a set of twenty-four gold plates that Limhi's people had found in a deserted city.  Ammon can't translate them, but he knows a guy—Mosiah, his king back home—who's right for the job.


The Vanishing Jaredite Battlefield
The characters—I mean, the historical figures—in this chapter don't know it yet, but the gold plates they found contain the story of the Jaredites, an earlier transplanted-Israelite-American-settlement.  Verse 8 describes the location in which these plates were found:

...a land which was covered with bones of men, and of beasts, and was also covered with ruins of buildings of every kind...a land which had been peopled with a people who were as numerous as the hosts of Israel.

This is hardly my most original point, but the commonly-posed question is fair—where are all those bones?  In Ether, upwards of two million Jaredites were killed in battle.  That's a lot of corpses and a lot of weaponry.  That's a lot of people who used to live in homes and cities.  That's a hell of a lot of archaeological evidence to simply not turn up.  At over two million, the Jaredites had a population that rivaled the expanse of the Mayans and the Aztecs and maybe even the Incas.  There is plentiful evidence of those nations.  Why are there no Jaredite ruins—especially considering the Book of Mormon explicitly states that all the archaeological evidence we would ever need was there...at one point?


Limhi (n):  gullible person
Limhi is so dumb.  I just can't get over it.

Let's say you're a king (you know, hypothetically).  And let's say a bunch of your subjects find a ruined civilization and massive battlefields strewn with skeletons.  And let's say these subjects bring you a book they found among the wreckage.  And let's also say that you know a guy who knows a guy who can probably figure out what the book says.  What's your first reaction?

If you said, "wet myself with excitement over the enigmatic contents of the book and praise God!" then I have some bad news for you—you're probably a Limhi:

Doubtless a great mystery is contained within these plates, and these interpreters were doubtless prepared for the purpose of unfolding all such mysteries to the children of men.

O how marvelous are the works of the Lord... 

Look, Limhi:  I get that you want to know what's written on those plates, but nothing you just said is "doubtless."  It could be that the plates simply contain the boring genealogy of the destroyed civilization and no great mysteries.  It could be that the fact that King Mosiah can probably translate the records is nothing more than coincidence.  And let's not forget that you're giddy as a schoolgirl over some writings found in a place where a few million people slaughtered each other.  Have a little respect for the dead.

Limhi is willing to believe pretty much anything.  Doubtlessly his name must have become ancient American slang for a stupid person (see what I did there?).  I'm picturing a Lamanite child coming home from school in tears because the other kids called him a "Limhi-butt" and a "curelom-face."


Joseph Smith Pulls a Melville—or Maybe a Wilde
In verses 13 through 18, the narrative goes off on a bit of a tangent about seers, prophets and revelators (but mostly seers).  The definitions of each of the terms are pretty unimportant and certainly not central to our salvation, but for some reason they were laboriously etched into sheets of metal to be read in our day.

To be honest, it reminded me of that chapter in Moby-Dick when Melville goes on and on about the different kinds of whales or the chapter in The Picture of Dorian Gray when Wilde rambles about his character's new fascination with different kinds of fabrics and perfumes.  Joseph Smith's tangent pales in comparison, as it's only a few verses, but it shares the same characteristic—the level of detail does not match the level of significance.

By the way, all seers are prophets but not all prophets are seers.  It's kind of like a square-and-rectangle thing.  In case you were wondering.  And I'm sure you weren't.

Mosiah 7: Limhi's an Idiot

The people of Zarahemla decide that they want to know what happened to the Nephites who wandered off a while back.  So they send Ammon and a bunch of his buddies to go investigate in the land of Lehi-Nephi.


Meaningless Numeric Symbolism
Joseph Smith takes care to mention twice (in verse 4 and verse 5) that Ammon's search party wandered in the wilderness for forty days.  Forty.  It had to be forty.

Forty is kind of a significant Biblical number.  Jesus fasted for forty days.  Noah got rained on for forty days.  Moses was on Mount Sinai for forty days.  The Israelites wandered for forty years after leaving Egypt.  And so on and so forth.  Why did Ammon have to get lost for forty days exactly?

Because it served the purpose of the author—to create as many contrived connections to the Bible as possible in the hopes of boosting the credibility of his hack work.


Limhi Lets Himself Get Conned
King Limhi, who reigns over the Nephites in the Land of Lehi-Nephi but under the thumb of the conquering Lamanites, has, in only one chapter, shot to the very top of my list of dumbest Book of Mormon characters. Observe what happens when he tries to question Ammon after Ammon is captured by the guards:

And [Limhi] said unto [Ammon and three of his friends]:  Behold, I am Limhi, the son of Noah, who was the son of Zeniff, who came up out of the land of Zarahemla to inherit this land, which was the land of their fathers, who was made a king by the voice of the people.

...And now, when Ammon saw that he was permitted to speak, he went forth and bowed himself before the king; and rising again he said:  O king, I am very thankful before God this day that I am yet alive, and am permitted to speak; and I will endeavor to speak with boldness;

For I am assured that if ye had known me ye would not have suffered that I should have worn these bands.  For I am Ammon, and am a descendent of Zarahemla, and have come up out of the land of Zarahemla to inquire concerning our brethren, whom Zeniff brought up out of that land.

And now, it came to pass that after Limhi had heard the words of Ammon, he was exceedingly glad, and said:  Now I know of a surety that my brethren who were in the land of Zarahemla are yet alive.  And now, I will rejoice; and on the morrow I will cause that my people shall rejoice also. 

 Let's summarize:

1. Limhi introduces himself and includes irrelevant background information about where he and his ancestors came from.
2. Ammon responds by introducing himself as a friendly visitor, reciting a history that aligns with Limhi's previously shared background.
3. Despite the fact that Ammon could have simply made his identity up using all the information Limhi had given him earlier, Limhi decides that Ammon is legit and proclaims a celebration in honor of the survival of the other half of the Nephites.

It's a good thing Ammon wasn't lying and didn't have to make all that stuff up.  What if he'd been an assassin sent to kill the king?

Limhi's an idiot.


Limhi Gets His Wires Crossed
Limhi's behavior continues to astonish me in verse 15 when he voices his hopes that Ammon and company will free his people from Lamanite bondage (which seems to mean political subservience and heavy taxation):

And now, behold, our brethren will deliver us out of our bondage, or out of the hands of the Lamanites, and we will be their slaves; for it is better that we be slaves to the Nephites than to pay tribute to the king of the Lamanites.

Get a grip, Limhi!  Listen to what you're saying!  It doesn't make any sense!

You'd rather be a slave to the Nephites than a satellite nation of the Lamanites?  Because paying taxes to an evil king is worse than abandoning your freedom and your property?  I mean, Hitler did horrible things to the Jews, but at least his tax rates were reasonable, right? I don't care if the Lamanites were evil and the Nephites were good—slavery is never more desirable than some hefty taxes, no matter who you're paying the taxes to.  And what the hell kind of ruler volunteers his entire nation for slavery?

Why did the people not overthrow this imbecile and appoint themselves a king with some brain function?


Witnessing a Convoluted Sentence
To top it off, Limhi is also an atrocious orator—which is tragic, considering that most of what I've seen the Book of Mormon kings do so far is fight wars, tell people to plant food, and give really long speeches.  I don't know how Limhi has done with farming edicts, but he's clearly wimped out on war since his people remain under the Lamanites' thumb.  And as far as public speaking goes, he's pretty terrible.  Observe:

And ye are all witnesses this day, that Zeniff, who was made king over this people, he being over-zealous to inherit the land of his fathers, therefore being deceived by the cunning and craftiness of king Laman, who having entered into a treaty with king Zeniff, and having yielded up into his hands the possessions of a part of the land, or even the city of Lehi-Nephi, and the city of Shilom; and the land round about—

And all this he did, for the sole purpose of bringing this people into subjection or into bondage.  And behold, we at this time do pay tribute to the king of the Lamanites, to the amount of one half of our corn, and our barley, and even all our grain of every kind, and one half of the increase of our flocks and our herds; and even one half of all we have or possess the king of the Lamanites doth exact of us, or our lives.

He starts off talking about how everyone is a witness to something Zeniff has done--and then he reviews a few things, qualifies a few things, gets needlessly specific about a few things...and never comes back to his original thought.  We're witnessing that Zeniff what?  WHAT ARE WE WITNESSING?!  Limhi blows through six commas, a semicolon and an em dash like they're suburban stop signs before moving on to his next thought instead of finishing his first one.  This is the most correct book on the face of the Earth?

There's also the minor detail that these people are not witnesses to anything about Zeniff, because Zeniff was Limhi's grandfather.  Zeniff has been dead for a long time and it seems pretty silly to tell people that today they are witnessing what amounts to a review of historical facts.  How exactly can one be expected to be a witness of something that happened before one was born?

Have I mentioned that Limhi's an idiot?


God's Petulant Favoritism
Despite what the Book of Mormon says, this god is not a just god.  I know I've harped on this point before, but it bears mentioning again.  The Lamanites, according to Limhi, are wicked and abominable.  They've killed countless Nephites and even killed the prophet, but they are under no threat of destruction.  To the Nephites, however, God says this:

I will not succor my people in the day of their transgression; but I will hedge up their ways that they prosper not; and their doings shall be as a stumbling block before them.

God doesn't just stop fighting the Nephites' battles when they sin—he goes out of his way to hinder their progress.  Being God's favorite comes at a high price.

The more I read about God in the Book of Mormon, the more he seems like some weird hybrid of a petulant child and an abusive parent.

My Ex-Mormon Manifesto

I think one of the only things that I truly miss about believing in Mormonism is the sense that everything about existence has been carefully planned and been ascribed meaning by our loving creator.

I didn't know it at the time, but as a member of the church, I was miserable.  I had few friends.  I felt suffocated by my schoolwork and my mounting commitments to the church.  I loathed my own inability to measure up to church standards and despised the hypocrisy of my appearing to measure up.  I was told that the church makes me happy, so despite the miseries of my daily life, I kind of assumed that my peers were more miserable.

But beyond that, I believed that all my suffering had a purpose and was part of a lifelong crescendo to the ultimate payoff.  My afflictions would be but a small moment and all I needed to do was put my head down, suffer well, and do my best to keep the faith--and someday all of it would be worth it.

I miss that sometimes.

Now, as a decidedly indifferent agnostic, I don't have any assurances--false or otherwise--that any of my torturous experiences has any value.  There is no inherent meaning to my suffering.  This is the kind of thing people used to talk about in testimony meetings:  life without the gospel is depressing.  The reasoning made sense to me at the time, but now it reeks of a willful refusal to confront an uncomfortable possibility.

As nice as it would be to have a hope for a glorious eternal recompense for life's varied displeasures, I think it's better not to have it.  On a purely conceptual, philosophical level, life may indeed be more depressing without the gospel.  But in daily practice, I've traded an irrational self-loathing due to failure to meet an unattainable standard for a rational self-motivation due to not measuring up to my own more reasonable goals.

What I want from life is to be significant.  I've always wanted that--I think most people do.  I want to make a positive impact on the world.  I want to write the next great American novel.  I want to make people think and make countless griping high school seniors write papers about me.  I want my life to have significance long after it's over.

Stripped of my belief that my life has intrinsic meaning, I feel much more motivated to achieve those things.  Believing this life is literally all I have may be depressing, but I think it makes me more likely to leave a positive mark on the world.

And I think that's a good thing.

Shameless Self-Promotion

I wrote a book!

No, it's not a scathing memoir about the church's wackiness, like The Passion of the Raptor Jesus.  Nor is it a thought-provoking chronicle of an LDS mission, like Heaven Up Here.  In fact, it has pretty much nothing to do with Mormonism at all, which makes the self-promotion all the more shameless.

It's a novel.  It follows the life of a kind-of-down-on-his-luck community college student in his attempts to find success, happiness, love and sex.  It took me several years of tinkering to complete it and I'm proud of the finished product.  My friends seem to think it's pretty funny and most of them have healthy senses of humor, so they could be right!

I guess the only ex-Mormon-blog-related point I could make here is that, because of the language and the sexual themes, I could never have written something like this as a faithful member of the church.  One more reason why leaving was a good call.

Anyway, if you have a few extra bucks and a free afternoon sometime, I hope you'll check it out.  Thanks!

The Weather Man on Amazon.com