Divinely Inspired Drug Mules

During a recent gathering, my family began reminiscing about their various missions.

One family member who'd served in South America remarked that when he was on his mission the church used missionaries to sneak medicine through customs.  Another relative replied, "They used you guys as drug mules?!"  

The second one was joking.  But I don't get the joke.  As honorable as it may seem, and as good as the church's intentions could have been, "drug mule" still sounds like a pretty accurate description to me.  I didn't say this, of course, but the first thing that popped into my head during this discussion was Joseph Smith's twelfth article of faith, which every self-respecting Mormon is acutely familiar with:

We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates, in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law.

...except the laws of Argentina.  I don't understand how this doesn't bother my family.  How does someone see the church contradicting its own principles and simply find it amusing?

That doesn't seem right to me.

1 Nephi 8: God Pulls a Dom Cobb

Oh, Great...More Visions
I'd be interested to see if there is any scholarly research on the subject of visions per page. Specifically, if anyone has done a comparison between the New Testament and the Book of Mormon. Because it sure sounds like the Book of Mormon has something to prove--"Hey, look at me, I'm inspired of God and you can tell because he's been throwing out dreams and visions all over the place so I must be the real deal."

It sure seems like there weren't quite so many miraculous revelations in the New Testament, and the New Testament also didn't spend entire chapters discussing one dream.

Rooting for Laman and Lemuel
Lehi has a dream. It's a nice little dream drenched in simplistic symbolism. It tells us that people apostatize over shame because rich people (who are evil) are mocking them. It also sets a precedent for TBMs who think they've found the greatest thing ever ("the gospel") to try and force it upon their family members.

The way people keep harping on Laman and Lemuel and telling them they're bad guys who need to change and be more god-oriented really makes me feel sorry for them. Which is weird, because I've never sympathized with them before when I read the Book of Mormon.

Where Does the Iron Rod Start?
Lehi's description leaves the starting point of the iron rod in question. Specifically, I think it's important to know whether or not the rod begins in the midst of the cloud of darkness or outside of the cloud of darkness.

I think the accurate place to have the rod start would be inside the darkness. This placement portrays the church's ability to prey on people in vulnerable situations. These people in Lehi's dream were doing fine on their own. But when the darkness arose, they became disoriented and lost sight of their objective. In the midst of their troubles, they grasped the iron rod and found it to be steadfast and unmoving. They needed help getting out of the darkness, so they relied on anything that seemed to provide a sense of direction. When it led them out of the darkness, they continued to trust the iron rod even though they no longer needed it to navigate. They allowed it to lead them all the way to the Tree of Life--which, assuming the Tree of Life symbolically provides salvation Mormon-style, is not the destination they had in mind.

Sure, the fruit may be sweet, but it'll rot your teeth out.

1 Nephi 7: Family Ties

Lower That Incest Quotient
Joseph Smith has reached another problem. He's got the basic direction of his plot planned out, but he hasn't hammered out the details before "translating" them for his scribe. And he realizes that he's about to send one family to the uninhabited American continent with zero options for populating it.

Well, there are options. But I'm betting the Book of Mormon wouldn't have caught on so well if it had glorified incest. The Bible did have at least one notable incident of incest (I'm thinking Lot and his daughters but there could be more, I don't really remember.) but the Bible had the advantage of being compiled over centuries and staying in circulation. The Book of Mormon just popped out of nowhere in the nineteenth century. Smith had already had his protagonist behead a defenseless sleeping guy so maybe he figured he'd created enough controversy for seven chapters.

Which is why, after leaving Jerusalem and going back to get the brass plates and leaving Jerusalem again, Nephi has to go back to the city one more time to get Ishmael's family. Ishmael apparently brings an extended family with him so that there can be lots of sex and lots of children in America...without any messy issues with incest. Great story-planning, Joe.

Nephi Is One Uppity Little Prick
Laman, Lemuel, and some of Ishmael's family rebel against the good guys as they're returning to Lehi's camp. Apparently not everybody was too keen on abandoning civilization. So Nephi gives a speech to convince them to continue. This speech includes this brilliant argument (verse 8):

Behold, ye are mine elder brethren, and how is it that ye are so hard in your hearts, and so blind in your minds, that ye have need that, I, your younger brother, should speak unto you, yea, and set an example for you?

Why, you little brat. You can't help but work in another "I'm younger than you, but I'm also better than you" jab? Looks like what that angel told Laman and Lemuel about living in Little Brother's shadow went to your head. It comes as no surprise, then, that this and other comments pissed Nephi's brothers off and they decided to tie him up and leave him to rot in the desert.

Begin the Miracle Parade
So Nephi prayed for strength to burst his bonds and--holy crap!--he hulks out enough to free himself. So far we've had a decent amount of visions and dreams and angels...but now we start the full-on miracles. Nephi bursts a length of cord by the power of God. Impressive, right?

Then, Nephi preaches at them again, tells them he forgives them, and advises them to pray to God for forgiveness. And thus, Nephi continues to be One Uppity Little Prick.

Either Nephi's an Idiot or Smith Writes Bad Characters
In verse 21, after Nephi says that he advised those who rebelled to pray for forgiveness, he adds, "And it came to pass that they did so." Not only does that strike me as modern phrasing (though I am in no way a linguistics expert) but it makes Nephi (or Joseph) look stupid.

As far as Nephi is concerned, it looks like he fell for it when his brothers pulled a fast one on him. They've tried to kill him twice now. They clearly don't trust any of the God-given revelation that Nephi or Lehi has received, and all they really want to do is go back to Jerusalem, and--I don't know--murmur and rebel. Because murmuring and rebelling is all they're good for. But yeah, I bet they poured their hearts out to God begging for forgiveness, just like Nephi said. Because they've exhibited such pious behavior in the past.

Psst...Nephi...they faked it. Watch your back, dude!

The other option is that Joseph Smith is a terrible writer. He either doesn't know his own characters or he doesn't put a lot of effort into keeping track of their motives and characteristics. Laman and Lemuel are bullies who are hardly given pause when a freaking angel comes down to tell them to lay off their brother. Why would Nephi wriggling out of his restraints and one of Ishmael's daughters switching sides in the argument change the fact that they hate Nephi and they wish he were dead? Inexplicably, though, they're suddenly happy little altar boys, praying for forgiveness and performing burnt offerings. I wrote stories that made more sense than this when I was in fourth grade.

Oh. Wait. Didn't Joseph Smith only have a third grade education or something?

The Gamer God

Mormons believe in what they call "Eternal Progression."   They believe that, if they sufficiently prove their worthiness to God, they will be made into gods as well, who will then reign over their own spirit offspring and create their own worlds for eternity.

It's a pretty awesome idea, but I also understand why it is that the majority of the Christian community doesn't really like the idea.  I guess claiming you can eventually be a god is kind of along the lines of polytheism, blasphemy and a whole bunch of other things that Christianity doesn't really...embrace.

If it were a reality, maybe Mormon heaven wouldn't be so bad. I'd get to play a souped-up version of SimCity for the rest of eternity.  I get tired of simulation games sometimes, but that's gotta beat an eternity in Hell, easily.  And if the current world becomes too boring, put it on a shelf and start a new one--you can come back the the old world with fresh eyes in a few thousand years.

Hey.  Maybe that explains the Great Apostasy--God got bored and went to work on another saved game for a while.  And maybe that's why God supposedly doesn't talk to the apostles personally anymore.  He's probably off working on another universe...the one he uses cheat codes in just to keep himself from getting bored with all the other imperfect societies he's created.

I expect to see "The Gamer God" doctrine in LDS Sunday School manuals sooner or later.  It totally jives with their views on the afterlife.

1 Nephi 6: Damage Assessment

1 Nephi Chapter 6 is only six verses long. There's not a whole lot to find issue with here. There is, however, an interesting irony on Joseph Smith's part. Take a gander at verse 6:

Wherefore, I shall give commandment unto my seed, that they shall not occupy these plates with things which are not of worth unto the children of men.

But these plates aren't of worth unto the children of men. Plenty of good has come from it. Mormonism has bred plenty of decent human beings who have made positive impacts on the world around them. But the good is easily outweighed by the bad. We've moved well past 175 years of racism, sexism, homophobia, polygamy, broken families, suicides, brainwashing, emotional stunting, trauma and torture...all because of a religion based on "these plates."

The children of men would be better off without them.