Trouble Brews in a Long-Term Relationship

The Boy Scouts of America has decided to allow openly gay men to serve as leaders within its organization.

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is "deeply troubled" and has announced that it needs to take some time apart to clear its head and decide if their relationship has a future or not.  According to President Newsroom:

In spite of a request to delay the vote, it was scheduled at a time in July when members of the Church's governing councils are out of their offices and do not meet.  When the leadership of the Church resumes its regular schedule of meetings in August, the century-long association with Scouting will need to be examined.  The Church has always welcomed all boys to its Scouting units regardless of sexual orientation.  However, the admission of openly gay leaders is inconsistent with the doctrines of the Church and what have traditionally been the values of the Boy Scouts of America.

Sigh...okay, a few jumbled thoughts:

1.  So much for trying to soften your approach to gays, guys.  I thought giving members permission to support gay marriage on social media and holding a press conference condemning housing discrimination based on sexual orientation was supposed to be preparing for the inevitable so that when homosexuality no longer has a social stigma you can say you always loved the gays.  Throwing a tantrum when the BSA allows gay leaders but still gives religious troops the right to choose their own leaders as they see fit is not going to assist you in creating the future illusion that you were always on the right side of history.

2.  Also, way to whine about the timing of the vote.  Sure, there are a lot of LDS Boy Scouts. but the church makes up less than 20% of the BSA rolls.  The vote passed 45-12, so even if the Mormons had been represented according to their numbers, they still wouldn't have gotten their way.  So what's the point in complaining about the timing?  Basically, this is the equivalent of telling your wife that she was never good in bed after she's already explained to you that she doesn't love you anymore.  You're still losing the relationship, only now you look more petulant and the two of you will probably not be able to remain friends.  So good job there.

3.  "The Church has always welcomed all boys to its Scouting units regardless of sexual orientation."  Is it just me, or does this sound reminiscent of the Church's approach to the priesthood ban?  The church has always welcomed gay scouts but God forbid they should ever want to become leaders!  The church has always welcomed black members but God forbid they should ever want the priesthood!  If a scout grows up and wants to continue with the organization as an adult by providing leadership to the youth, but that leadership is conditional upon the person maintaining a heterosexual persona, can that really count as "welcoming?"  Basically, it means that once the kid hits eighteen, he can no longer participate in scouting because he's gay.  That's not very welcoming.  Although I suppose it is encouraging closeted gay scouts to continue, you know...lying to everybody about who they are.  Which is fantastic, obviously.

4.  I would like to know how, exactly, openly gay Boy Scout leaders are against the church's doctrine.  Because the church's whole deal lately has been "hate the sin, love the sinner" and "it's okay as long as you don't act on it."  So what's the problem with an openly gay leader?  He could be married to a woman with plenty of kids and simply honest with everyone about his struggle with same-sex attraction.  That is completely in accordance with LDS policies and teachings.  So why should this disqualify him from the opportunity to serve in the scouting program?

5.  Once again, guys, as a religious organization, the BSA is still allowing you to choose your leaders according to your own criteria and you can be just as bigoted as you want within your own walls.  So quit yer bitchin'.

6.  I think a few openly gay leaders in the LDS Boy Scout organization would actually be a good thing.  It could give some gay or curious youth a role model.  Maybe having someone openly gay to look up to would help them cope with their confusing, embattled situations.  Maybe this could help prevent a few more suicides.  Not that this is likely to become a reality.  But still, it could do some good.

It looks to me like the church is probably going to attempt to set up its own spiritual version of Boy Scouts, like scouting and the Duty to God program all rolled into one. I think they're hoping their threat is going to change minds, but that also seems unlikely.  Regardless, it will be interesting to watch how the situation plays out.

Helaman 1: More Bad Stuff Happens

Now that all our heroes from the Book of Alma are dead, the Nephites begin to have "a serious difficulty," in stark contrast to all the peaceful, easy, non-violent times they've had up until this point.


That's a Bad Mission Statement
The header to the Book of Helaman begins:

An account of the Nephites. Their wars and contentions, and their dissensions. And also the prophecies of many holy prophets, before the coming of Christ...

Contrast this with the mission statement of the Book of Mormon from its title page:

...Which is to show unto the remnant of the house of Israel what great things the Lord hath done for their fathers; and that they may know the covenants of the Lord, that they are not cast off forever—And also to the convincing of the Jew and Gentile that Jesus is the Christ, the Eternal God, manifesting himself unto all nations—

So the purpose of the Book of Mormon is to teach us about the history between God and the ancient peoples, to allow us to learn and take advantage of covenants, and to convince everyone of the Jesusness of Jesus.  So what is the Book of Helaman going to be about?  Wars and political upheavals of the Nephites.  And also, by the way...religious stuff, prophecies, Christ, you know.


One Big Happy Family
In the wake of chief judge Pahoran's death, the voice of the people decide to democratically vote on his replacement from the confines of his lineage.  His sons Pahoran, Paanchi and Pacumeni are the frontrunners.  Pahoran junior wins the election, class act Pacumeni throws his support behind his victorious brother, and super-villain Paanchi smolders in jealousy.  Eventually Paanchi tries to convince his followers to overthrow Pahoran, but in an act of precognitive crimefighting that both Tom Cruise and Philip K. Dick would have been proud of, the government catches him before he can go through with it, puts him on trial, and sentences him to death.

Damn.  Harsh.  One brother down.

Paanchi's gang, incensed by these events, send in Kishkumen, who murders Pahoran on the judgment seat in plain view like an idiot, but somehow manages to escape capture.

Ouch.  Brutal.  Two brothers down.

Then, suddenly, Lamanites attack, led by a brilliant and imposing man named Coriantumr, who is, unsurprisingly, a disgruntled Nephite.  Coriantumr blazes straight through to Zarahemla, conquers and ransacks the city, and then chases down Pacumeni and slams him against the outer wall of the city, killing him.

Yeesh.  Bloody.  Three brothers down.

Does this actually feel like the way things happen in real life?  Doesn't this seem like contrived, dramatic storytelling?  I mean, a brother sentencing his own brother to death for treason is then murdered on his throne by one of his deceased brother's disciples?  Murdered on the throne?  Because sneaking into his house at night or gunning him down in the street (with a sling, not a gun) would be too risky?  And then, to top it off, when the big bad guy invades suddenly out of nowhere, it's he, personally, who kills the reigning political power of the land?  Out of all the people in that army, Coriantumr is the one who confronts Pacumeni?  Come on.

I mean, it's an exciting story and it would make one hell of a movie, but don't try and tell me it reads like legitimate history.


How Thick Can You Get?
Why does Zarahemla fall to the invaders?  Verse 18 explains:

And it came to pass that because of so much contention and so much difficulty in the government, that they had not kept sufficient guards in the land of Zarahemla; for they had supposed that the Lamanites durst not come into the heart of their lands to attack that great city of Zarahemla.

Well, if it's a great city, doesn't that make it kind of a logical target for attack?  Especially considering it's the freaking national capital?  Have they not met the Lamanites?  They love attacking the Nephites and starting wars!  They've been doing it for the last five hundred years!  Since the two societies live so close to each other and hate each other's guts, how stupid would one of them have to be to leave its capital so poorly defended in the years immediately following a long and bloody conflict?

And who is in charge of the Nephite armed forces?  None other than Moronihah, son of the famed and lauded Captain Moroni.  I guess the apple falls very far from the tree.  Or maybe it's just that Moroni always fought incompetent generals and Coriantumr doesn't seem to be an idiot.  So maybe it's apples and oranges.

Although, once Moronihah defeats Coriantumr and his army (by surrounding them, probably a page from daddy's old playbook), he demonstrates that he's not much of a chip off the old block at all.  Moroni would have given his prisoners an ultimatum, forcing them to swear an oath of peace and loyalty on pain of death.  Moronihah just lets them all go back home.

What's this?  A Nephite general exhibiting mercy? It's like the world has turned upside down.

Alma 63: Epilogue

And, finally, we have reached the end of the Beastly Book of Alma.  Nothing important happens in this chapter, except that all the cool people die.


The Curious Case of Hagoth's Helpers
Hagoth is an "exceedingly curious" Nephite.  He decides to explore, but rather than explore by spreading out on the enormous continent his people have already settled in, he thinks the best way to find new places is to sail to them.  Somehow, he manages to convince five thousand four hundred men plus all of their families to take this dangerous, blind adventure with him.

No, scratch that.  He doesn't actually go with, because he stays behind to build more ships for more people.  When the first boat comes back, he loads it up with more idiots and sends a whole fleet of ships out to his new colony.  It's unclear whether he personally accompanies his guinea pigs this time.  Not that it matters, because none of the ships, including one that left solo after that second batch, ever returns.

Moral of the story?  Doctrinally, there isn't one.  But practically speaking, we can learn that if you really need to fill six verses of column space, a juicy mysterious disappearance will do nicely.


Corianton's Character Arc Ends in Confusion
In one last dereliction of duty, Corianton is not around to take up the mantle of prophet and record keeper from his dying brother Shiblon.  Why is this?  Because he's a moron.

Instead of chasing after the harlot Isabel, this time, Corianton is chasing after a pipe dream.  Apparently having swallowed Hagoth's sense of manifest destiny or foreign colonization or whatever you want to call it, the least uptight of Alma the Younger's sons takes it upon himself to resupply the colony by getting in a boat and sailing up north.  This brings up three questions:

First, where does he think he's going?  This is like two verses after we learn that nobody knows what happened to these ships but that it's popularly assumed they sank.  Does Corianton really think if he just sails north with a bunch of food he'll find Hagoth even though he has no idea what happened to them or where they are?

Second, how does he know they need provisions?  If nobody knows the fate of Hagoth's fleet, Zarahemla certainly hasn't received a letter requesting aid.

And third, why would they need provisions?  Does Corianton think Hagoth and his followers are dumb enough to settle in the middle of a desert?  Does he think they won't start building around a good supply of fresh water, lots of plant life to harvest and lots of animal life to hunt?

I had such high hopes for Corianton, but his exit from the Book of Mormon is almost as lame and as frustrating as Maria LaGuerta's exit from Dexter.


Also, War
These neighboring civilizations with shared ancestry are suspiciously similar to rowdy brothers in adjacent bedrooms.  It's been a mere eight years since the end of the last war, and the Lamanites decide to attack Moronihah because Nephite "dissenters" have aroused their ire.  After the horrendous details of Captain Moroni's various exploits, perhaps Joseph Smith is becoming as tired of his subject matter as his audience was, because this conflict is glossed over in just two verses.

But rest assured, the good guys win and the Lamanites scurry back to their own lands to lick their wounds and doubtlessly plot their sinister vengeance like good little savages.

And thus ends the record of Alma/Helaman/Shiblon.

Whew.

My Old Arguments Against Gay Marriage

Yesterday's ruling by the United States Supreme Court has brought with it a bit of a backlash on social media.  Reading a lot of these angry, often senseless comments from people who disagree with the decision reminded me of one of my own rants on the same subject from almost ten years ago.  After a little bit of digging through my archives, I finally found it.  And, to my chagrin, it was even worse than I remembered.

What sparked this philippic on my old blog was a thread on an internet forum I used to frequent. The poster had started a poll whose wording I took issue with.  And here, ladies and gentlemen, is my terrible, terrible opinion from October 26, 2006:

Then I read the poll about gay marriage the poster had set up. The vague question was, simply, "Gay Marriage?" The three options were: 

Yes
No, because God
No, because some other reason 

The poster had voted for "Yes." I looked over the options for a moment, and, after voting, decided that something had to be said about the glaring flaws in this poll. So I replied: 

"No, because God." I like that. It makes me feel like your stereotypical Christian who refuses to deviate from his principles just because they've always been his principles. You know, the kind who opposes gay marriage and abortion and stem cell research even though he can't really think of a good non-religious reason. The person who uses "Because God" as the "Your Mom" comeback of the political world. The guy who is a drain on progressive society because he's old-fashioned and stuck in his clearly misguided ways. The guy whose opinion should be ignored because it's not based in anything important. The one who sits on top of his shack all day with a shotgun, spitting tobacco juice and scratching his pot belly. The citizen who doesn't count."  

There have been a lot of unfair stereotypes in the history of the world, and this is just another one. But it really bothers me that the religious community is starting to be dismissed as a negligible, superstitious parasite on society. There are a lot of people who think religion is unnecessary and outdated. They think that piety is a sign of mental weakness, a voluntary submission to brainwashing. 

Well, to those people, I say: You're just a bunch of amoral, godless, new age hippies who are all destined to burn in hell for an eternity.  

This poster, however, was not even trying. He is an atheist and is in favor of gay marriage and critical of religion in general. "No, because God" is such a sloppily constructed phrase that it indicates childishness and irrationality in someone who would agree with such a line. So to that poster, I say, "No, because God." If that makes me childish and irrational, fine. I'd rather be childish and irrational than hesitant to support my opinions because I'm afraid of being unfairly labeled.  

In fact, let's try using my version of the question on you.  Are you in favor of nationally legalizing gay marriage? 

No
Yes, because I think I'm too cool for God
Yes, because of some other reason 

So, your options are these: Choose "No." Sell out to the opposite side. Or choose the second option. Admit to my erroneously trivialized description of your beliefs. Or choose the third option. Ascribe your beliefs to the worthless abyss of "other." Appear to have a tenuous, unsupported opinion. 

So what's your answer then?

Damn, that's horrifying.  That used to be me.  Look at all that emotional grandstanding without a single legal argument or any kind of mention of equality, human rights, or what's actually in the Constitution.  Look at all that self-congratulatory tunnel vision.  Look at how I basically got off on being offended.  Look at that hilariously oblivious reference to brainwashing.

But look at how these same arguments are still being made.  Look at my old persecution complex, my rage against secularism, and my emerging fears about the oppression of religious freedom. Look at how I thought being unfairly labeled was akin to the trampling of my personal rights.

If the Supreme Court's ruling is any indication, big changes can happen.  They may be long overdue, but sometimes, society can get things right.  And if my old blog post is any indication, small changes can happen too.  As infuriating as I find these people spouting claims that the Supreme Court's decision is illegal or dangerous or oppressive, it's important for me to remember that, had this happened ten years ago, I would have been right there on the front lines explaining how this would lead to the downfall of our very civilization.

But nations can change.  People can change.  Opinions can change.  And in the wake of this historic ruling, it's probably less important for us to hate on the haters than it is for us to hope for the future.  Maybe those people can change and maybe our society can adjust enough to accept the Supreme Court's decision, accept the rights that all our citizens deserve, and accept homosexuality in our culture as something that shouldn't be demonized, disparaged or discriminated against.

And to Zorfox from the old forum days, I'm sorry.  I was an asshole.  But I'm working on it.

Alma 62: The Nephihah Stratagem

Moroni receives Pahoran's letter and decides to rush off to his aid.  This chapter seems to have a higher-than-average level of insanity to it, so buckle up....


Perhaps an Apology is in Order?
Captain Moroni has kind of a weird reaction to Pahoran's epistle in the opening verses of this chapter:

And now it came to pass that when Moroni had received this epistle his heart did take courage, and was filled with exceeding great joy because of the faithfulness of Pahoran, that he was not also a traitor to the freedom and cause of his country.

But he did also mourn exceedingly because of the iniquity of those who had driven Pahoran from the judgment-seat, yea, in fine because of those who had rebelled against their country and also their God. 

Okay, so I'm not liking the equating of "country" with "God," here, but the strangest part is that Moroni makes no mention of, you know...remorse.  He spent a whole chapter chewing Pahoran out and spouting threats at him for his imagined offenses, only to learn that Pahoran was still a good guy and just barely hanging on despite his own problems.  In response, Moroni is happy that Pahoran is in his corner, and sad that people had kicked him out of the capital.  But where's the sorrow for being a presumptuous jerk?  Where's the contrition for threatening to beat up an old friend?


Joining the Cause
Then Moroni marches across the country, gathering volunteers for the cause of freedom to some background music that's probably either AC/DC or a traditional battle hymn (verse 5):

And it came to pass that thousands did flock unto his standard, and did take up their swords in the defence of their freedom, that they might not come into bondage.

Wait...where were these people hiding?  Do you mean to tell me that the Nephite territory has been filled with thousands of able-bodied, armed men ready to fight for freedom this whole time?  The war's been raging for more than a decade by this point—why did they wait so long to take action?  If the king-men government is a threat to their freedom, why is it more of a threat than the basically everpresent possibility of being overrun by the Lamanites?

Oh, right, because it looks cool to have thousands of them joining Captain Moroni's march.  You know, for the montage sequence.


The Nephite Patriot Act
Moroni and Pahoran unite in Gideon to stomp the king-men and restore the legitimate government.  And then all the rebels who survived are tried according to the law.  Apparently, this whole time that Moroni has been delivering ridiculous ultimatums (exhibits A, B and C), he's actually been acting within the Nephite legal system (verse 9):

And the men of Pachus received their trial, according to the law, and also those king-men who had been taken and cast into prison; and they were executed according to the law; yea, those men of Pachus and those king-men, whosoever would not take up arms in the defence of their country, but would fight against it, were put to death.

I mean, I don't believe in capital punishment anyway, but this is pretty extreme.  These guys aren't Dahmer.  Surely you could at least imprison them, or maybe exile them.  For a culture that's currently so obsessed with freedom, these Nephites don't seem to have much respect for the freedom to live.  Or the freedom not to serve as a soldier in a war you disagree with.

Oh, but it's okay.  The following verse explains:

And thus it became expedient that this law should be strictly observed for the safety of their country; yea, and whosoever was found denying their freedom was speedily executed according to the law.

What?!  That makes absolutely no sense.  First of all, I don't know if you can claim that your country is a safe place when you keep executing groups of your own citizens.  And secondly...what is "denying your freedom?"  These people take differences in political ideology way too much to heart.  This is some Third Reich crap here.  This is not a righteous society!

And I really wish this chapter would stop saying "according to the law" like it's some kind of blanket excuse.  It may be legal, but that doesn't mean it's right.


Not to Beat a Dead Horse, But...
Verse 11:

Moroni and Pahoran having restored peace to the land of Zarahemla, among their own people, having inflicted death upon all those who were not true to the cause of freedom.

You've got to be kidding me.

This Can't Possibly Go Horribly Wrong
In verses 15 through 17, the army of Moroni and Pahoran (who is now a general apparently instead of chief judge) defeat a Lamanite force and then make them "enter into a covenant" not to fight against the Nephites anymore (because that always works—see Honor Among Savages).  After the Lamanites take the oath, they get shipped off to live with the people of Ammon.

So essentially what Pahoran and Moroni have just done is deliver four thousand enemy combatants into the care of a group of...wait for it...pacifists.  What assurances do they have that the Lamanites won't simply overpower their new friends and take control of their territory?  Just their oath.  Their oath that Zerahemnah refused to make back in the day because he was honest enough to point out that there's no way the Lamanites would ever keep it.

What makes it better is that, later in this chapter, when more Lamanites are captured during the reclamation of Nephihah, those prisoners are also sent to live with the people of Ammon.  How is no one concerned or at least suspicious about all this?


That's Not the Real Reason
Moroni and Pahoran set their sights on the city of Nephihah, which is currently under Lamanite control.  So they set up camp nearby and try to figure out how to get the Lamanites to come out of the city to fight.

Now Moroni was desirous that the Lamanites should come out to battle against them, upon the plains; but the Lamanites, knowing of their exceedingly great courage, and beholding the greatness of their numbers, therefore they durst not come out against them; therefore they did not come to battle in that day.

That's why the Lamanites didn't come out to play?  You're telling me it has nothing to do with the fact that they're holed up in a fortified and easily defensible city and that abandoning those entrenchments to face the large Nephite forces on a neutral plain would be at best stupid and at worst suicide?


More Military Brilliance
Since he can't lure the Lamanites out of Nephihah, Moroni instead personally scouts the city in the middle of the night.  He discovers that the entire Lamanite army is asleep (because honestly, who posts round-the-clock guards when your city is under the threat of attack anymore?).  Moroni then makes use of a whole bunch of ladders and ropes that his army seems to have and has everyone climb over the wall without waking up a single Lamanite soldier (because it's not like the movement of an entire army would make any noise or any of the Lamanites would get up to pee during the night).  In the morning, the Lamanites wake up to discover all of Moroni's men inside the walls of the city, and they flee for their lives.  Bloodthirsty Moroni commands his men to kill as many as possible before they escape, and everyone lives happily ever after (verse 26):

Thus had Moroni and Pahoran obtained the possession of the city of Nephihah without the loss of one soul; and there were many of the Lamanites who were slain.

Not that the ambiguous wording might be implying that the Lamanites don't have souls or anything....

I've said it before and I'll say it again:  Moroni is not an ingenious commander.  This plan, like so many of his others, relies heavily on luck and on his opponent being completely inept.

Rigged...by a really bad writer who really needs his hero to succeed.

I've said it before and I'll say it again:  Moroni is not a righteous man. If the Lamanites were really that terrified, why couldn't he just let them run away?  His objective was to reclaim his city, and that objective had been achieved.  If we're so proud of him for doing it without losing any lives on his side, why should it not bother us that he causes many lives to be lost on the opposing side, especially when he could have achieved the same goal without such violence?


Teancum's Last Stand
Eleven chapters ago, Teancum snuck into Amalickiah's camp under cover of darkness and put a javelin through his heart.  Apparently anxious to finish what he started, when all the Lamanite armies are finally surrounded by the Nephite forces, Teancum tries to do the same thing to the current king of the Lamanites—Ammoron, Amalickiah's brother.

He succeeds in killing Ammoron with his signature javelin, but apparently this guy dies more noisily than his brother.  Ammoron's guards are alerted and they chase down Teancum and kill him.

It's sad, but I guess that's what happens when you reuse the exact same plot points—something has to be different or it's just a cheap rehashing of earlier events.  Kill your darlings and all that.


Time for the Wrap-Up
Now that we're winding down the Book of Alma, this chapter attempts to give us some closure on some of the characters we've come to love.  Well, other than Teancum.  That guy died bloody, no way around it.

Pahoran goes back to his judgment seat without any explanation for why he thought it was a good idea to leave it in the first place, especially since he'd just gotten it back from a group of vicious rebels.

Helaman goes back to preaching the gospel, because the war had taken a toll on the Nephites and they needed to repent of their wickedness.  Verse 46 mentions that he "did establish again the church of God, throughout all the land" with no explanation of why it had disappeared in the first place or why it was a good idea for the prophet and leader of the church to shirk his ecclesiastical responsibilities in favor of playing general for a few years.

The Incomparable Captain Moroni hands the reins of the military over to his son Moronihah and retires "that he might spend the remainder of his days in peace" with no explanation as to how a guy that gets off on so much blood and violence and one-sided ideology could possibly enjoy a retirement devoid of such things.

The people of Nephi, as a whole, having soundly defeated the Lamanites for the first time in a long time, become prosperous and righteous simultaneously (which is a rarity).  And as the thirty-fifth year of the reign of the judges draws to a close, everyone is living happily ever after.

Except Teancum.  That guy died bloody.