Mosiah 22: The Great Escape

So now that Limhi has learned from Ammon about the people of Mosiah, he becomes determined to free his people from the awful deal he struck with the Lamanite king.  The events that follow are ludicrous.


A Public Gathering is No Place to Formulate a Secret Plan
In one of the Book of Mormon's many references to the value of democracy, King Limhi decided that, in order to "have the voice of the people concerning the matter," he needed to call this big town meeting so everyone could brainstorm ideas for getting out from under Lamanite rule.

It's a nice idea, but you have to wonder how the Lamanite overseers failed to notice a huge meeting of Nephites—or, if they noticed, you have to wonder how they failed to realize that the meeting was about a mass prison break.  Large gatherings tend to spell trouble for oppressive regimes.  You'd think the Lamanites would have sent some soldiers in to break up the revolution before it gathered any momentum.  It seems a little weird that they didn't.


Alcohol Does Not Make Everyone Pass Out
The ingenious plan proposed by Gideon was to offer a totally-not-suspicious extra helping of wine in their payment of goods to their Lamanite masters.  Somehow, the Lamanite guards were actually dumb enough to get completely plastered.  It's implied (though not explicitly stated) that every last one of the guards passed out.  I find it really hard to believe that there weren't at least a decent portion of the guards that were smarter and less inebriated.  There should have at least been enough guards left to run for reinforcements to stop the entire city of Nephites "with their flocks and their herds...all their gold, and silver, and their precious things, which they could carry, and also their provisions."  Of course, considering the Nephite city was surrounded by Lamanite settlements, the Lamanite civilians must have been drunk too as Limhi's people walked past their homes in the middle of the night.

I suppose this is supposed to be interpreted as a miracle—that God caused an increased stupor of drunkenness to fall upon the Lamanites that their righteous captives might be freed from bondage.  But the Book of Mormon is usually pretty good about saying things like, "HEY, EVERYONE, AND THUS WE SEE THAT GOD DID SOMETHING MIRACULOUS."  Here, there's nothing.  There's no mention of God at all.   All the events of this chapter are attributed directly to the characters involved.  Limhi's people escaped on their own without the Lord's help.  Without that crucial divine plot device, the story becomes that much more absurd.  This is simply a bad chapter from a bad novel.


How Do You Lose Track of a Mass Exodus?
When the Lamanites realized that all their underlings had disappeared, they sent an army after them but failed to catch up after two days.  Not only did they fail to overtake them in that time, but they also lost the trail, gave up, and went home.

So an army, which is designed to be mobile, couldn't catch up to a slow-moving mass of civilians, livestock and children?  They were even so slow that they couldn't follow the tracks anymore—and the tracks of thousands of people and thousands of animals don't just disappear after a little rain.  I feel like the guy who was in charge of that army was probably executed by the Lamanite king for incompetence upon his return home.

Slowest.  Army.  Ever.

Brainwashing on Vinyl

I finally had a chance to search for that old record I mentioned a few weeks ago.  I found it in my parents' basement.  It was dusty and the cardboard sleeve was pretty worn, but it seemed intact.  But since my family was home I only had time to snap a few pictures on my phone for later analysis.

So here's the source of those vague musical memories I was having:

The Good Shepherd:  Children's Songs from the New Testament by Kristen 

It appears that I misjudged how old the record was, because the copyright on the back was 1983.  The record was attributed to Embryo Records, which doesn't seem to have a lot of internet presence.  After a little Google footwork, I determined that it wasn't a company owned by the church at the time but it was later acquired by Deseret Book.

Just as I remembered, however, the back cover did have all the lyrics for the songs, and I was surprised by how many I recognized and could even hum a few bars of.  The song in question was entitled "The Pharisees & Saducces":

my apologies for the clumsily-spliced-together-from-two-separate-shots-because-of-problems-with-horrible-glare look

Some points of irony about this song:

• Many Mormons cannot see what doesn't fit their picture of the world.
• Many Mormons like their "privileged places"--in the church they have divine nature and individual worth, but it's scary to think of leaving the church and stripping themselves of those comforting teachings.
• Many Mormons do not think that a knowledge of the truth (that they are members of a cult, that Joseph Smith was a con man, that their donations fund extravagant lifestyles for the church leaders, etc) will set them free and will passionately resist any efforts to inform them of the truth.
• Many Mormons resent the teachings or claims of ex-Mormons and uphold that ex-Mormons are bad, despite their "miracles" (being happy without the church, becoming financially successful, not becoming drug addicts, etc).  

So it exists--a relic of my childhood brainwashing, a testament to Mormon hypocrisy and a veritable snack tray of forced rhymes and rancid cold cuts.  It was kind of tempting to just light the thing on fire right there, but I thought that might attract a little too much attention.

Mosiah 21: Limhi's Idiocy Knows No Bounds

Two of our plotlines converge in this chapter—the story of Ammon's search for his long lost kin and the People of Limhi's suffering under Lamanite rule.  It's also notable that the infamous Pride Cycle so prevalent in the Book of Mormon begins to take shape here.


Priority #1:  Don't Make God a Liar
The Lamanites, having defeated Limhi's Nephites, have reached a new low—not only are they godless savages, but now they're bullies.  The opening verses describe the way they boss the Nephites around and treat them like slaves.  Verse 4 mentions that all of this happened "that the word of the Lord might be fulfilled."

Apparently once a prophet of God (in this case, Abinadi) pronounces a horrible curse upon an iniquitous generation, it has to happen—not because the people should be punished of course.  It has to happen because we can't have God looking like a liar.

Although it is strange that many of the things that Abinadi promised the people would happen to them aren't mentioned (see Mosiah 12:2-7).  Sure, they were brought into bondage and stricken and driven and given heavy burdens...but what about the famine and pestilence?  What about the hail and the east wind?  What about the insects?

I guess God is only about sixty percent liar, but the rest of his words were fulfilled.


Sudden Shift of Power
Verse 5 claims that the Nephites had no hope of overcoming the Lamanite military because they were surrounded by them.  This is kind of strange, considering that the Nephites won several decisive victories against the Lamanites in the last few chapters.  In fact, just last chapter, Limhi set up an ambush which routed the Lamanite forces and nearly killed their king.  And when the Nephites came into bondage, it wasn't by war—it was by making peace with the Lamanites to avoid war simply because that Gideon guy suddenly claimed that their armies would be no match for the hordes of Lamanites.

This doesn't make a whole lot of sense.  What caused the change?  Why did the Nephites go from kicking Lamanite butt to wetting their pants in just a few verses?


Limhi:  Worst King or Worst King Ever?
Assuming Gideon's assessment of the Lamanite military strength was accurate, it seems foolish of Limhi to cave in to popular demand and sanction an assault on the Lamanite army.  But what seems even more foolish is that, after being brutally defeated, the people of Limhi attacked again.  But what seems abysmally incompetent is that, after being severely defeated a second time, Limhi allows his dwindling forces to attack the Lamanites a third time.

I think I can go so far as to call Limhi a murderer, because if he didn't know how great the cost of life would be sending his twice-butchered army against a numerous, ruthless enemy, then he's actually dumber than I thought.  And that's saying something.

Unsurprisingly, the Nephites get slaughtered again.  Limhi's an idiot.


God:  Stubborn and Petty
When the broken and humbled people of Limhi prayed for deliverance, God "was slow to hear their cry because of their iniquities."  How does this not make God sound like a spoiled brat who has little interest in helping people who don't like him?  He loves you unconditionally—but if you don't do what he wants, when you call him for help, he'll huff and say, "oh, fine, all right."  And then he'll make himself a sandwich, finish watching his TV show, and stop to drop off his dry cleaning on the way over.

Imprison First, Ask Questions Later
In verse 23, Limhi and his guards discover Ammon and his friends outside the city.  Then, "supposing them to be priests of Noah therefore [Limhi] caused that [Ammon and his brethren] should be taken, bound, and cast into prison."  His plan was to kill them if they turned out to be the priests of Noah.

Except, if you remember back to chapter 7, Ammon was in prison for two days before he was brought before King Limhi.  Apparently, nobody bothered to ask Ammon who he was when he was arrested.  And Limhi was too busy with his kingly duties to talk to Ammon, even though he suspected him of being pretty much Public Enemy Number One (you know, what with Noah's priests being evil scumbags, escaping execution and then almost starting a huge war by stealing the Lamanite daughters).

And when Ammon gets brought in for questioning after a completely unjust imprisonment (due process, anyone?) he's just like, "Oh, hey, I'm from the Motherland," and everything is totally fine.

I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but Limhi is an idiot. I guess he's a bit of a tyrant, too.


Authority Really Isn't That Hard to Come By
Verse 33 is...well, I shake my head sadly when I read it.

And it came to pass that king Limhi and many of his people were desirous to be baptized; but there was none in the land that had authority from God.  And Ammon declined doing this thing, considering himself to be an unworthy servant.

Oh, no.  We have no one with authority to baptize us.  If only God could make up some ridiculous solution.  It's not like he could pick some random guy who was actually kind of evil to begin with and spontaneously grant him the authority to baptize himself and everybody else.  It's not like that's what happened with Alma three chapters ago.  And since Ammon is too much of a wimp to do it, I guess we'll just sit here and be unbaptized.

What's so great about the people of Alma that God gives them saving ordinances when they convert to the gospel but not to the people of Limhi when they do?

A Conversation With Elohim

Why am I here?

I sent you to Earth from my presence.

Why did you send me to Earth?  Why couldn't I stay with you?

You had to gain a mortal body otherwise you'd never receive your fullness of joy.

So why didn't you just give me a body and let that be the end of it?

You needed to prove yourself in your second estate so that you can be found worthy to enter the Celestial Kingdom.

So I have to prove myself worthy of the simple privilege of residing with the father of my spirit?

But if it were up to Lucifer, you wouldn't be able to return and live with me forever.  You should focus all of your fear, anxiety, paranoia and latent aggression on him instead.

Why?  What did Lucifer want?

He wanted to force everyone to be obedient during their mortal lives.

What's so bad about that?

Because then you wouldn't be able to prove your worthiness.

I think I'd be totally fine with sacrificing seventy years or so of zero free will if it meant I was assured an eternity of happiness.

But you need to prove yourself.  That's why I made sure you have no memory of your pre-mortal life--so you could make your own decisions and demonstrate your worthiness.

But what if I can't?  Why design a test in which your students don't know they're being graded?  That seems like a terrible way to generate positive results.

That's why I sent my son to die for your sins.  You're not going to be perfect, but if you take advantage of the atonement, you can satisfy the demands of justice and be judged with greater mercy.

So now, since your students are going to slack off because they are unaware that they're being administered an impossible test, you've introduced a way for some of them to cheat their way to a passing grade?  How do you pick which ones get to use the cheat?

Anyone can utilize the atonement.

But to utilize it, you have to know about it, right?

Of course.  You can't just get by on good works and dumb luck.

I don't think very many people know about it.

Everyone in my church knows about it.

So that means that anyone born to members of your church has kind of an unfair advantage, doesn't it?  I mean, they know how to cheat the system almost from birth.  What about the rest of us?  Why weren't we all born into an environment that taught us about the atonement?

That's why I have a missionary force of more than sixty thousand working tirelessly to share my gospel with the world.  

You can't possibly expect sixty thousand missionaries to convince six billion people worshiping a bunch of other, sometimes similar gods to drop everything, join your church and take advantage of your master plan.  What about the billions of people who fall through the cracks?

That's why my church performs baptisms for the dead in the temples.  Anyone can have their baptism performed for them and all they need to do in the post-mortal life is accept the ordinance.

What if they don't accept the ordinance?

Then they will go to a lesser degree of eternal glory than those who do.

What if someone who was a really good person and spent a lifetime working tirelessly to improve the living conditions and the happiness of everyone in the world around him doesn't accept the ordinance?

Then he will go to a lesser degree of eternal glory than those who did.

What about all the people who didn't have temple work done for them?

Everyone will have temple work done for them.  That is why I stress the importance of genealogical work among my followers.

But what about the people for whom there is no genealogical record?

That will all be sorted out in the Millennium, when the righteous will, through inspiration, complete the ordinance work for everyone who still needs it.

So let me get this straight--I'm here on earth because I need to prove myself worthy to be in your presence, and I just have to accept that simply because you said so, with no corroboration.  And even though you love me unconditionally as your spirit offspring, you wiped my memory so that I would have no knowledge of being tested unless I was born in a Mormon family, which allows me to make my own choices.  The choices I make determine my worthiness for exaltation, but it's impossible to make all the right choices.  If I'm born Mormon or am lucky enough to believe a couple of twenty-year-old preachers who might knock on my door, then I'll be able to take advantage of a cheat code you've provided, which, if used properly and repeatedly, can allow me to pass the test even though I'm going to have a whole bunch of wrong answers.  But if I never learn about the cheat code, then people who have the cheat code can perform the saving ordinances I need on my behalf and I can choose to either accept or reject those ordinances, effectively picking my own degree of glory.  And if I lived a long time ago and there's no written record of my ever having existed, then I'll be lumped in at the end of the world when your devotees will spend a thousand years playing catch-up with their temple ordinances.  Overall, my chances of reaching the Celestial Kingdom as an average guy are kind of slim. Did I get that all right?

Yes, that's correct.

Remind me again what Lucifer's plan was?

He wanted to institute forced obedience during your mortal life so that all of you could receive exaltation.

And how, exactly, is his plan so much worse than yours?

I...work in mysterious ways.

Mosiah 20: Eagle Eye Limhi

Wicked King Noah may be dead, but his wicked priests are still out there in the wilderness, lurking wickedly.  And in the course of their wicked lurking, they come across some Lamanite women having some kind of pre-Columbian rave.  And they capture a few dozen of the women because that's what wicked people do.


Super Tower
The Lamanites decide that the most appropriate solution to the problem of their missing women is to assume that Limhi's people did it and initiate all-out war without warning.  But Limhi happens to notice every single thing the Lamanites are doing to prepare their invasion from his vantage point in the tower that King Noah had built.  He even has time to set up an ambush for the Lamanite armies.

How high is this tower?  Is there an anachronistic sniper scope in it?  Because it's pretty impressive how much Limhi is able to learn from peering out of this tower, especially considering that a lot of the stuff that he sees should be taking place at least a few miles away.


War:  A Numbers Game
After the Nephites defeat the Lamanites in battle and capture their king, they bring the king of the Lamanites to King Limhi for a little king-to-king heart-to-heart.  The king of the Lamanites explains why they attacked.  Limhi insists he has no knowledge of the kidnappings, but vows to conduct an investigation and punish any of his people who were involved.  Then Limhi lets Gideon, the guy who almost killed his father, give him some weird advice.

Gideon correctly suggests that it was Noah's priests who committed the crime.  But then he urges that Limhi hurry up and let the Lamanite king know because any second now the "numerous hosts" of the Lamanites would come destroy them all unless they convince their king that it's all a misunderstanding.

Are the Lamanites really that much more numerous?  Because Limhi didn't see them making preparations for a reconnaissance mission, he saw them making preparations for war.

Therefore they sent their armies forth; yea, even the king himself went before his people; and they went up unto the land of Nephi to destroy the people of Limhi.

When the king is leading the attack, it's usually not the second stringers and the bench warmers.  And if you're sending "armies" (plural) to "destroy" an entire people, you're not just throwing a few skirmishers out there to test your enemy's strength.  It's a proper invasion carrying the full weight of your nation's military power.  It's not like you're just going to leave a massive amount of crack troops in their barracks for that kind of thing.

I'm pretty sure the Lamanites hit Limhi with the best they had the first time.  So why does Gideon think that there's like a million other Lamanite soldiers ready to kill them?


Not to Beat a Dead Horse, But...
The Nephites just kicked some serious Lamanite military butt.  And yet they return to their original agreement of paying fifty percent taxes to the king of the Lamanites.  Why?  How is "you just tried to slaughter us all and failed miserably, so take your fifty percent tribute and shove it up the back of your loincloth" so difficult for Limhi to say?