1 Nephi 18: The Poseidon Adventure

Nephi and his family have now finished building their boat and they set out on the sea, trusting God and his Liahona to guide them to a promised land.  Then apparently all the sinners on board (which appears to be everyone except Lehi, Sariah, Nephi and Sam...and the two little kids) party too hard, get wasted, and run their mouths.  Nephi tells them to settle down so they don't piss God off...and, big surprise, they tie Nephi up.  Then they hit the perfect storm.

Since When is God This Direct?
After four days being tossed around on the waves, the sinners come to their senses and untie Nephi.  Then the sea becomes calm, the Liahona--which had stopped working--returns to its creepy function, and everything is peachy-keen.

There are plenty of times in the Bible when God has taught someone a dramatic lesson.  Abraham had to prove his obedience by being willing to sacrifice Isaac.  Jesus appeared to the anti-Christian Paul, rebukes him for "kicking against the pricks," and strikes him blind.  God set ten full-blown plagues on the Egyptians.  There are many other examples of this.  But these examples all seem to be mostly episodic and on a one-per-customer basis.  Even in the case of the Egyptian plagues, they all went to serve the same purpose--convincing Ramses to free the Israelites.

 But Nephi's idiotic family gets a whole bunch of direct dramatic intervention when God wants to teach them a lesson.  So far they've been chewed out by an angel, zapped by the power of God, and now they're living the Poseidon Adventure with a faith-powered compass that no longer works.

When has God ever been this direct in his discipline of the same people over and over again?  That sounds less like the behavior of the Biblical god and more like the behavior of a god that was utilized as a character in Joseph Smith's novel about as accurately as General Custer was portrayed in Night at the Museum 2:  Battle of the Smithsonian.  At best, it's a caricature of a familiar figure.  

I'm not sure why that was the best comparison that popped into my head, but I think it's a valid one.

Mimicking the Bible
Joseph Smith had several tactics to lend credence to his claim that the Book of Mormon was an ancient record to be regarded as divinely inspired scripture.  A lot of these tactics, however, fall back on making it sound as similar as possible to more widely accepted scripture--the Bible.

Smith used the language of the Bible as best he could.  He matched his stories against the Bible's timeline.  His characters reference the Bible or teach identical doctrines from the Bible.  And he quotes the Bible extensively, the most prominent examples being the Isaiah sections of Second Nephi and the Sermon on the Mount:  Alternate Camera Angle in Third Nephi.

But a little more subtle than all that is the miracle of Nephi and the tempest.  Nephi's brothers had him tied up and their ship became the focal point of a massive storm.  It was only when they decided to free their brother that the seas became calm again.  This has some strong similarities with the Old Testament story of Jonah and some similar thematic elements to the New Testament story of Jesus calming the Sea of Galilee.

Perhaps Joseph used a similar miracle in his story because of Christianity's familiarity with the whole storm-becomes-calm-sea thing.  It feels Biblical, so maybe he hoped people would believe that it came from the same source.  Either that, or he just wasn't very creative.  Both are acceptable explanations in my eyes.

They're Not Horses, They're Unicorns
When Nephi and his family reach the promised land (the land of the free and the home of the brave), he describes the "abundance" of their new home.  The seeds they plant grow well, there's plenty of raw materials for them to build with, and there's plenty of wildlife:  cows, oxen, goats, horses--

Wait, horses?

Horses were brought to the Americas by the Europeans.  They didn't exist on the continent prior to that.  This is a well-researched fact.  It's not exactly an earth-shattering discovery, but it bears mentioning.  I know there are plenty of other anachronisms like this in the Book of Mormon, but this is one that's obvious enough for me to catch.  And I don't know a whole lot about what plants and what animals come from where.

I'm pretty sure God knows that Europeans introduced horses to the American continent.  But I have a feeling Joseph Smith was under the impression that they'd always been here.

Leaders and Legacies

The different approaches that each prophet took to leading the church confused me when I was a kid.

There were three relevant facts that I knew to be true:

1.  The Prophet was God's mouthpiece

2.  God is the same yesterday, today and forever

3.  When the Prophet dies, the next senior apostle will become the next Prophet

1 Nephi 17: More Sibling Rivalry

God commands Nephi to build a boat so that his family can sail to America.  Nephi gets to work on it, his brothers make fun of him for it and whine some more about being stuck in the wilderness, and Nephi gets preachy on them again.  This all feels very familiar.

Bruce Banner Can Trace His Genealogy Back to Nephi
When Nephi's brothers get mad at him for telling them they'll probably go to hell (what an uppity prick), he pretty much hulks out by the power of God:

In the name of the Almighty God, I command you that ye touch me not, for I am filled with the power of God, even unto the consuming of my flesh; and whoso shall lay his hands upon me shall wither even as a dried reed; and he shall be as naught before the power of God, for God shall smite him.

Um, okay.  I've never heard of somebody being so overcome with righteousness that they become lethal to the touch.  I kind of half expect him to turn green or maybe burst into flames or suddenly develop the ability to fly.  It sounds about as absurd as a superhero story.

Why Do Laman and Lemuel Have to Help?
Nephi seems annoyed that Laman and Lemuel don't want to help him in his endeavor to construct a ship out of nothing but raw materials.  He mentions it twice.  I don't know why he's so annoyed.

God called him into the mountain and personally told him to build a boat.  God didn't tell him he had to make his brothers help.

God also didn't give Nephi a deadline.  It's not like there's any rush.

Laman and Lemuel aren't exactly trustworthy.  I'd worry that one of them was going to accidentally-on-purpose sabotage the boat.  Or maybe give it a flaw just bad enough that it springs a leak a few hundred yards out to sea and everybody has to swim back to shore and start all over again.

Nephi was probably better off building the damn thing himself, especially in his own eyes.  Since he's so awesome and righteous and a future king over his brethren and recently filled with the power of God unto the consuming of his flesh...he's pretty much the greatest person on the planet.  That guy needs no help.  He doesn't seem like the type to want any, either.

A Supposedly Omniscient God Fails To See Something Coming
Following Nephi's Touch Me Not speech, God decides to teach Laman and Lemuel a little lesson.  In verse 53 he tells Nephi:

Stretch forth thine hand again unto thy brethren, and they shall not wither before thee, but I will shock them, saith the Lord, and this will I do, that they may know that I am the Lord their God.

Not really an intelligent idea to begin with.  If a direct angelic messenger (see Living in Little Brother's Shadow) isn't going to convince them of the power of God, I don't think a little shock (or "[causing] to shake or tremble" as the footnote says) is going to do the trick.  At least with an angel it's pretty obvious that its origin is heavenly, but here it sounds like Laman and Lemuel are simply going to regret eating that extra bean burrito.  A little tremor isn't necessarily a sign from God.

But Nephi obediently stretches forth his hand and zaps Laman and Lemuel.  In a bizarre twist of events, they're totally convinced that Nephi has the power of God (because that makes sense).  And then they start to worship him.  And by "him" I mean "Nephi."

What did God say?  "That they may know that I am the Lord their God."

I don't think it worked.  Because they're worshiping the wrong guy.

Mormon Young Women are Useless

The LDS church receives a lot of flak for its treatment of women.  Critics claim that women are treated as inferior than men and forced into an old-fashioned gender role.  The church's supporters usually emphasize that women have a role that is of equal or greater importance than men's roles--that bearing and nurturing children is a divine calling and that women are to be honored and respected.  The general understanding in the church is that women bear children and men can hold the priesthood, so nobody should be considered unimportant.

So I thought back to my time in the Aaronic Priesthood and I realized that the girls my age had been pretty useless as far as their role in the religious tapestry goes.  While the guys were blessing and passing the sacrament, home teaching and exercising the priesthood in our leadership positions, the girls were...wait, what were the girls doing?

1 Nephi 16: Desert Fever

Nephi faces several challenges in Chapter 16.  First, he's still trying to teach his hardheaded brothers about God and God's plan and the dream of the Tree of Life.  Second, his family begins to travel through the desert some more.  Third, Nephi breaks his bow and needs a new one to hunt for food for his family.  It's just a rough week for him, I guess.

Hard Truth
When Laman and Lemuel struggle to accept the things that Nephi tells them, Nephi responds with this:  "The guilty take the truth to be hard, for it cutteth them to the very center."

This scripture is commonly cited to explain away apostates or nonbelievers.  The idea is that they must have some sin in their lives that makes it uncomfortable to accept the truth of the gospel.  What Nephi said is actually true in some situations, but the church uses it frequently and poorly as a dismissive assessment of other people's states of mind.

My corollary?  "Those who think for themselves take what fallaciously claims to be truth to be flawed, for it ignoreth reason and encourageth blind faith."

Okay, I guess Nephi's has a better ring to it.

Marrying an Entire Family
Nephi marries a daughter of Ishmael.  Nephi's brothers marry daughters of Ishmael.  Zoram marries a daughter of Ishmael.  I wonder if it was like picking teams on the playground.  Zoram wasn't even family, so he didn't really get to choose a wife--he was stuck with whoever was left. Poor Zoram.

Seriously, though, it seems pretty weird that there are five women and five men and they decide to go ahead and marry each other.  I realize that they're going to wind up populating a continent and all, but I don't think I  would have gone along with that.  What are the odds that these five couples would actually get along?  And what about Nephi's sisters?  Are they just going to have to remain celibate for the rest of their lives?  Why not run back to Jerusalem really quick and grab a family that has a couple of eligible bachelors?

This isn't strong evidence that the Book of Mormon isn't true, of course, but it's definitely strong evidence that the Book of Mormon is freakin' weird.

The Magical, Mystical Liahona
The Liahona.  What a weird little spherical device.  It's reminiscent of Jack Sparrow's compass in the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.  It supernaturally guides Nephi's family to what they desire most--or, more accurately, to what God desires for them.  It also seems to have writing that appears on the sides to tell them what to do.  Its origins are unknown, its design is confusingly conveyed, and its functionality appears to be vast.

The Liahona, to me, is yet another attempt of Smith's to assert the validity of the Book of Mormon by filling it with visions and miracles.  A strange ball of curious workmanship that works based on your level of faith!  That must have come from God!

What's the Deal with that Bow?
Nephi's steel bow breaks and suddenly he can't hunt food for his family.  Everyone fears that they'll starve to death in the wilderness.  Even his brothers' bows had "lost their springs...insomuch that [they] could obtain no food."

So Nephi takes matters into his own hands, makes a new bow out of wood, and then follows the Liahona to where he can find food.  But he says he takes a sling and stones with him too.  In fact, he says earlier, in verse 15 that they've been "slaying food" the whole time not only with bows and arrows but also with stones and slings.

So what was the big deal with breaking the bow?  It seems like they'd had a viable alternative to a bow and arrow all along.  And then it appears that the Liahona solves a different problem--where to go to find the food.  Was the problem that they couldn't kill it or that they couldn't find it?  Make up your mind!

A Snapshot of Early Mormonism
Take a look at verse 38, in which Laman (apparently acting on his own for once!) accuses Nephi of making everything up and manipulating them:

Now, he says that the Lord has talked with him, and also that angels have ministered unto him. But behold, we know that he lies to us; and he tells us these things, and he worketh many things by his cunning arts, that he may deceive our eyes, thinking, perhaps, that he may lead us away into some strange wilderness; and after he has led us away, he has thought to make himself a king and a ruler over us, that he may do with us according to his will and pleasure.  And after this manner did my brother Laman stir up their hearts to anger.

This may be the only time during which Joseph Smith actually appears to be prophetic.  Take everything that was said here about Nephi and apply it to the early church.  Joseph and his leadership lied and worked many things by his cunning arts to deceive his followers.  Then his successor, Brigham Young, led them away into some strange wilderness (Utah), where he made himself a king (governor) and ruler (president of the church) over them, so that he could do with them (marry their women) according to his will and pleasure.

Interesting.