Tonight, I read my patriarchal blessing for the first time since I left the church.
I received the blessing six and a half years ago, and it's never been useful to me. I always knew it was useless. But I don't understand how knowing it was useless didn't lead me to seriously question the church sooner.
The reason I considered it useless while I was a believer was because I lied in the interviews for it. I calmly stated that I was sexually pure, despite the fact that I'd been struggling with masturbation for a few years by then. The understanding going into the blessing, which was reiterated by the blessing itself, was that the blessing was valid according to my obedience. So, considering I'd lied to get the blessing and I probably jerked off again a few days later, I felt like I'd immediately committed a serious sin which called into question the possibility of any of my promised blessings ever becoming a reality.
I kind of felt like Marty McFly from Back to the Future. My blessing set out a basic timeline for my life, but I'd changed something near the beginning of that timeline and I wasn't sure how much that would affect the outcome. I didn't know if I'd wind up in the timeline at the end of Part I, where a lot of stuff is how it should be, with a few differences that could be dealt with, or the timeline in Part II, where everything is radically different and completely untenable. But as I continued to struggle with my "worthiness," there came a point when I figured that what was intended and what was possible had grown too far apart and my blessing's blueprint for life was no longer relevant.
The blessing is kind of a strange thing to read from my ex-Mormon perspective. It's weird to see the kind of sloppy juxtaposing of dramatic, scriptural language and modern-day mannerisms. I'm told that I made a choice to come to earth and prove myself "in this, [my] second estate," but I'm also advised that I "need to be there for" my children when they have difficulties. The whole blessing is riddled with weirdly clashing language like that.
It's also clear from my current perspective that patriarchal blessings are used to reinforce childhood brainwashing. They capitalize on deeply-held beliefs, hopes and insecurities ingrained from an early age and promise great blessings for continuing to cling to them.
I was told that I received personal instructions from God in the pre-existence...I wasn't told what they were, or when I'll figure out what I'm supposed to do, or what the point of giving me instructions before wiping my memory was, but it sure made me feel awesome to know that I was important to God in the grand scheme of things. But that's not the only useless piece of information in there.
I was told I would apply myself in my education. That didn't pan out.
I was told I'd find an occupation that would be of great benefit to me (didn't pan out), that I would enjoy (didn't pan out), that would provide me with enough money to provide for my family (didn't pan out) and would allow me to be a benefit to mankind (that's hilarious).
I was told I would have a desire to serve a mission (never wanted to) and that I would bring many into the waters of baptism (can't do that if you don't serve a mission).
I was told I'd receive my endowment (didn't pan out), be married in the temple (didn't pan out) and be a temple worker with my wife in my old age (definitely not gonna happen).
Then there's this glowing paragraph near the end full of ridiculous, emotionally manipulative promises about "well done thou good and faithful servant" blah blah blah. I'm actually very disappointed with myself for ever buying into this. I'm promised these wonderful blessings--everything a good Mormon boy could want--and warned that they are conditional on my obedience.
It just seems like the patriarchal blessing is the church's method for locking in childhood brainwashing for a lifetime. Why else would it be given most often during a member's transition from child to adult? Why else would they include such great promises and advise that it be used as a blueprint for life? It's a sickeningly emotional experience that translates ingrained doctrines into lifelong ambitions.
And that does not seem right to me.
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
1 Nephi 5: Plate-gasm
Quick, Patch That Plot Hole!
Once Nephi and his brothers return safely (with Zoram in tow), Lehi gets pretty excited about the plates they brought back. And the audience discovers why the plates were so important. Apparently they contained the first five books of Moses and genealogical records of the descendants of Joseph of Egypt.
Oh, and by the way, the reason Laban had the plates was because he's also a descendant of Joseph.
This feels like something a modern writer who was not very skilled at storytelling would throw in when he realized that the motivations for his characters didn't make sense. This whole story took place and it was never explained why Laban had the plates and why he didn't want to give them away. Which apparently became clear to Joseph Smith when he had Lehi going berserk over the awesomeness of the genealogy the plates contained. He couldn't go back and put it in a spot that made more sense to the story because he's supposedly translating this by divine inspiration on the fly to a scribe who would probably think it was weird for him to be like, "Wait...go back the the chapter before and change this verse real quick." So he threw it in at the end.
Already-Fulfilled Prophecy
During Lehi's plate-gasm, he makes a few prophecies about the brass plates. He boldly foretells that they will "go forth unto all nations, kindreds, tongues and peoples who were of his seed."
Wow.
That's because it's a good chunk of the Old Testament. The Bible is a pretty well-known book. Um, a lot of nations, kindreds tongues and peoples know about it. Especially in North America, which is where a lot of Lehi's "seed" supposedly wound up. This is not a particularly impressive prophecy considering that Joseph Smith translated and published the Book of Mormon well after Christianity had been brought to the new world.
Lehi also states that the brass plates shall never perish. If he meant that they would never perish in the literal sense, then why don't we know what happened to them? Nobody has them. Where did they go? If he meant that they would never perish figuratively, that's kind of another prophecy that was already fulfilled when the Book of Mormon was published. Because the Old Testament still existed.
Who can imagine the Bible being lost forever? By the simple fact that the first five books of Moses are included in the Holy Bible, Joseph was assured that the prophecy he'd written was a safe bet--not a very impressive prediction. His attempt to make Lehi seem prophetic and wise fell flat.
Once Nephi and his brothers return safely (with Zoram in tow), Lehi gets pretty excited about the plates they brought back. And the audience discovers why the plates were so important. Apparently they contained the first five books of Moses and genealogical records of the descendants of Joseph of Egypt.
Oh, and by the way, the reason Laban had the plates was because he's also a descendant of Joseph.
This feels like something a modern writer who was not very skilled at storytelling would throw in when he realized that the motivations for his characters didn't make sense. This whole story took place and it was never explained why Laban had the plates and why he didn't want to give them away. Which apparently became clear to Joseph Smith when he had Lehi going berserk over the awesomeness of the genealogy the plates contained. He couldn't go back and put it in a spot that made more sense to the story because he's supposedly translating this by divine inspiration on the fly to a scribe who would probably think it was weird for him to be like, "Wait...go back the the chapter before and change this verse real quick." So he threw it in at the end.
Already-Fulfilled Prophecy
During Lehi's plate-gasm, he makes a few prophecies about the brass plates. He boldly foretells that they will "go forth unto all nations, kindreds, tongues and peoples who were of his seed."
Wow.
That's because it's a good chunk of the Old Testament. The Bible is a pretty well-known book. Um, a lot of nations, kindreds tongues and peoples know about it. Especially in North America, which is where a lot of Lehi's "seed" supposedly wound up. This is not a particularly impressive prophecy considering that Joseph Smith translated and published the Book of Mormon well after Christianity had been brought to the new world.
Lehi also states that the brass plates shall never perish. If he meant that they would never perish in the literal sense, then why don't we know what happened to them? Nobody has them. Where did they go? If he meant that they would never perish figuratively, that's kind of another prophecy that was already fulfilled when the Book of Mormon was published. Because the Old Testament still existed.
Who can imagine the Bible being lost forever? By the simple fact that the first five books of Moses are included in the Holy Bible, Joseph was assured that the prophecy he'd written was a safe bet--not a very impressive prediction. His attempt to make Lehi seem prophetic and wise fell flat.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
A Free Pass on the Test of Life
I recently read this supposed account of a second anointing ordinance. Assuming it's legitimate and accurate (and I think it is), there are some very clear problems with the ceremony and the situation surrounding it.
First, the authority who extended the narrator his invitation stressed how important it was to keep the ordinance a secret because it would create jealousy in the general membership of the church. He was right about that. The general membership tends to have level of awe for the General Authorities, and they aren't as bothered if the men who give General Conference addresses have their calling and election made sure. But if they knew their local leadership--stake presidents or patriarchs, people they actually know--are getting second endowments, they'd be much less able to accept the choices of who gets it and who doesn't. They've seen these men's flaws up close and personally. (Why does the stake president get a second endowment when I'm a better parent than he is?)
Second, the concept of the ordinance totally defeats the whole "this life is a test" teaching. Why don't these people have to "endure to the end" like everyone else to prove their worthiness? It sounds like a shortcut to salvation, something that ensures someone's return to heaven (barring denying the Holy Ghost or murder). And ensuring something like that sounds a lot like the plan that Lucifer brought up in the war in heaven...the plan that we were all taught in primary classes was horrible and wrong and stupid and bad.
Third, the ceremony seemed very impersonal. The narrator said that the blessing he was given was very similar to a blessing Brigham Young gave to Heber C. Kimball and that each of the other couples received pretty much the same wording in their own blessings. If God has decided to give someone an assurance of the highest degree of glory, why would it not be accompanied with a personal blessing? It's a very personal gift, both in the sense that it's uncommon and that it's given to specific people. Wouldn't the Lord want to say something to those people? Wouldn't you expect a blessing that contains things like expressing the Lord's gratitude for your faithfulness, citing examples of what made you eligible for this gift, and counsel on how to proceed with your personal life after such a life-changing experience? Wouldn't that make more sense?
Fourth, the ordinance seemed weirdly couple-oriented. The narrator said he went through the ceremony with four other couples, and he was later asked to nominate two more couples for the ordinance. So this clearly means that if your spouse dies, you're not eligible for a free pass to heaven. Tough break.
Fifth, past the couple dynamic, it seemed very man-oriented. This would be great fodder for critics who claim the church is sexist. The narrator is in a room with a bunch of stake presidents and mission presidents...and their wives. It seems as though the degree of leadership the man has attained is in some way prerequisite to each couple's presence. Beyond that, the woman washes the man's feet and gives the man a blessing as though he is the focal point of all of this. Sure, sure, the man holds the priesthood and the woman doesn't, but if they're both getting a free ticket into heaven, it can't just be because the man is just so damn awesome. It has to be because they're both worthy...unless the lesson here is that women only get into heaven by riding on their husbands' coattails.
That does not seem right to me.
First, the authority who extended the narrator his invitation stressed how important it was to keep the ordinance a secret because it would create jealousy in the general membership of the church. He was right about that. The general membership tends to have level of awe for the General Authorities, and they aren't as bothered if the men who give General Conference addresses have their calling and election made sure. But if they knew their local leadership--stake presidents or patriarchs, people they actually know--are getting second endowments, they'd be much less able to accept the choices of who gets it and who doesn't. They've seen these men's flaws up close and personally. (Why does the stake president get a second endowment when I'm a better parent than he is?)
Second, the concept of the ordinance totally defeats the whole "this life is a test" teaching. Why don't these people have to "endure to the end" like everyone else to prove their worthiness? It sounds like a shortcut to salvation, something that ensures someone's return to heaven (barring denying the Holy Ghost or murder). And ensuring something like that sounds a lot like the plan that Lucifer brought up in the war in heaven...the plan that we were all taught in primary classes was horrible and wrong and stupid and bad.
Third, the ceremony seemed very impersonal. The narrator said that the blessing he was given was very similar to a blessing Brigham Young gave to Heber C. Kimball and that each of the other couples received pretty much the same wording in their own blessings. If God has decided to give someone an assurance of the highest degree of glory, why would it not be accompanied with a personal blessing? It's a very personal gift, both in the sense that it's uncommon and that it's given to specific people. Wouldn't the Lord want to say something to those people? Wouldn't you expect a blessing that contains things like expressing the Lord's gratitude for your faithfulness, citing examples of what made you eligible for this gift, and counsel on how to proceed with your personal life after such a life-changing experience? Wouldn't that make more sense?
Fourth, the ordinance seemed weirdly couple-oriented. The narrator said he went through the ceremony with four other couples, and he was later asked to nominate two more couples for the ordinance. So this clearly means that if your spouse dies, you're not eligible for a free pass to heaven. Tough break.
Fifth, past the couple dynamic, it seemed very man-oriented. This would be great fodder for critics who claim the church is sexist. The narrator is in a room with a bunch of stake presidents and mission presidents...and their wives. It seems as though the degree of leadership the man has attained is in some way prerequisite to each couple's presence. Beyond that, the woman washes the man's feet and gives the man a blessing as though he is the focal point of all of this. Sure, sure, the man holds the priesthood and the woman doesn't, but if they're both getting a free ticket into heaven, it can't just be because the man is just so damn awesome. It has to be because they're both worthy...unless the lesson here is that women only get into heaven by riding on their husbands' coattails.
That does not seem right to me.
1 Nephi 4: The Heist
Nephi decides to sneak back into the city to get the brass plates, because asking Laban nicely didn't work and paying him fared even worse. Nephi discovers Laban passed out drunk.
Nephi Kills a Defenseless Sleeping Scumbag
Laban was a bad guy. But, as I've already explained, he didn't have to die.
Assuming You're Called of God Makes an Ass Out of U and Zoram
When Nephi, wearing Laban's clothing, manages to get Laban's servant Zoram and the brass plates outside of the city, his deception eventually falls through. Zoram realizes that Nephi is not, in fact, his boss, and he tries to bolt. Nephi grabs him, and convinces him to stay with his family with this gem of an argument (verse 34): "Surely the Lord hath commanded us to do this thing; and shall we not be diligent in keeping the commandments of the Lord?"
Perhaps this sets the precedent for Mormonism's attitude of assuming its own veracity. Nephi's comment to Zoram is basically saying, "God told me to do all this. You want to do what God says, right?" He focuses more on following God than on whether or not God actually told him to do it. It's behavior that feels very much in line with Mormonism's emphasis on obedience and not with verifying the source of the commandment.
I guess Nephi was just a few thousand years ahead of his time.
Nephi Kills a Defenseless Sleeping Scumbag
Laban was a bad guy. But, as I've already explained, he didn't have to die.
Assuming You're Called of God Makes an Ass Out of U and Zoram
When Nephi, wearing Laban's clothing, manages to get Laban's servant Zoram and the brass plates outside of the city, his deception eventually falls through. Zoram realizes that Nephi is not, in fact, his boss, and he tries to bolt. Nephi grabs him, and convinces him to stay with his family with this gem of an argument (verse 34): "Surely the Lord hath commanded us to do this thing; and shall we not be diligent in keeping the commandments of the Lord?"
Perhaps this sets the precedent for Mormonism's attitude of assuming its own veracity. Nephi's comment to Zoram is basically saying, "God told me to do all this. You want to do what God says, right?" He focuses more on following God than on whether or not God actually told him to do it. It's behavior that feels very much in line with Mormonism's emphasis on obedience and not with verifying the source of the commandment.
I guess Nephi was just a few thousand years ahead of his time.
Monday, February 13, 2012
1 Nephi 3: Going and Doing
Chapter three begins with yet another direct revelation. God tells Lehi he's gotta go back and get the brass plates. Laman and Lemuel, of course, as Nephi's foils, hate the idea, and continue with their characteristic grumbling and "murmuring." Then...we hit a scripture mastery.
Nephi and Adam Need to Have Lunch Together Sometime
In modern terms, Nephi says, "Okay, Dad. I'll go do what God said, because I know he won't tell me to do something unless he's made it possible for me to do it successfully."
Ooh, okay. That's a great point. Nephi should pass that little gem along to Adam sometime. Because according to Russell M. Nelson:
It was a nice thought, though, Nephi. Really. I like the sentiment. Good try.
What's the Deal with Those Plates?
In verse 20, Nephi explains to us that the reason he and his brothers are trying so hard to get the plates from Laban is that they need to preserve the word of God as written by the prophets. That strikes me as kind of silly. Considering how much God's been speaking lately, sending people revelations, visions and dreams, and even sending angels out to yell at people (verse 29), it doesn't seem like God would have much of a problem reiterating any of His word that might have been lost.
Living In Little Brother's Shadow
Nephi and his brothers, on their second attempt to get the plates from Laban, offer him their money and treasure. Instead of allowing them to buy the plates, he kicks them out and keeps their money. Nephi and his brothers flee from the city, and then Laman and Lemuel beat Nephi and Sam up because they're pissed at them for losing the money. And then an angel comes to stop them. And the angel says to Laman and Lemuel, "Know ye not that the Lord hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because of your iniquities?"
Why the hell would the angel say that? Laman and Lemuel are pissed at Nephi, and they're kicking his ass. So the angel comes down and says, "STOP! GOD LIKES HIM BETTER THAN YOU CUZ YOU GUYS SUCK!" Won't that just make them resent Nephi more? God's angel doesn't seem to have a really good handle on bullying. Instead of helping the brothers get along better, all he did was drive a bigger wedge between them.
And what do you know, later on the family will split and form separate societies which will attempt to eliminate each other several times over the next few hundred years. Way to promote family unity, angel. I hope you got fired for that one.
Nephi and Adam Need to Have Lunch Together Sometime
In modern terms, Nephi says, "Okay, Dad. I'll go do what God said, because I know he won't tell me to do something unless he's made it possible for me to do it successfully."
Ooh, okay. That's a great point. Nephi should pass that little gem along to Adam sometime. Because according to Russell M. Nelson:
To bring the plan of happiness to fruition, God issued to Adam and Eve the first commandment ever given to mankind. It was a commandment to beget children. A law was explained to them. Should they eat from "the tree of the knowledge of good and evil", their bodies would change; mortality and eventual death would come upon them. But partaking of that fruit was prerequisite to their parenthood.So...the first two things that God ever told his children to do were...mutually exclusive? They can either do what God said and have children, or they can do what God said and not eat from the tree...but they can't do both? Nephi, I think maybe you need to rethink your stance. Because there was no way that Adam and Eve could accomplish both the things that God commanded them.
It was a nice thought, though, Nephi. Really. I like the sentiment. Good try.
What's the Deal with Those Plates?
In verse 20, Nephi explains to us that the reason he and his brothers are trying so hard to get the plates from Laban is that they need to preserve the word of God as written by the prophets. That strikes me as kind of silly. Considering how much God's been speaking lately, sending people revelations, visions and dreams, and even sending angels out to yell at people (verse 29), it doesn't seem like God would have much of a problem reiterating any of His word that might have been lost.
Living In Little Brother's Shadow
Nephi and his brothers, on their second attempt to get the plates from Laban, offer him their money and treasure. Instead of allowing them to buy the plates, he kicks them out and keeps their money. Nephi and his brothers flee from the city, and then Laman and Lemuel beat Nephi and Sam up because they're pissed at them for losing the money. And then an angel comes to stop them. And the angel says to Laman and Lemuel, "Know ye not that the Lord hath chosen him to be a ruler over you, and this because of your iniquities?"
Why the hell would the angel say that? Laman and Lemuel are pissed at Nephi, and they're kicking his ass. So the angel comes down and says, "STOP! GOD LIKES HIM BETTER THAN YOU CUZ YOU GUYS SUCK!" Won't that just make them resent Nephi more? God's angel doesn't seem to have a really good handle on bullying. Instead of helping the brothers get along better, all he did was drive a bigger wedge between them.
And what do you know, later on the family will split and form separate societies which will attempt to eliminate each other several times over the next few hundred years. Way to promote family unity, angel. I hope you got fired for that one.
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