D&C 27: Sacramental

According to the introduction to this section, Joseph Smith was met with a "heavenly messenger" as he was attempting to obtain materials to perform a sacrament ordinance.  Why are angelic visitations not in the Lord's repertoire anymore?

The Sunday Menu
Verse 2 should open the door to some stuff the church definitely doesn't want:

For, behold, I say unto you, that it mattereth not what ye shall eat or what ye shall drink when ye partake of the sacrament, if it so be that ye do it with an eye single to my glory—remembering unto the Father my body which was laid down for you, and my blood which was shed for the remission of your sins.

Okay, so if a deacon were to bring strawberry milk and cheese puffs to church but the priests do the usual sacrament prayers over it, the bishop should have no objection, right?

Good luck with that.

Also, one of the central ordinances of the gospel during which we renew the covenants we made during the baptism can be done with any kind of food and drink, but when it comes to day-to-day diet, coffee keeps you out of the temple and a glass of red wine at dinner is tantamount to defiling your own body?  Kinda weird sometimes what God chooses to care about.

Caveat Emptor, Ne Beberent
Kind of like the glaring omission of the three degrees of glory in Alma 41's discussion of the postmortal fates of our souls, this section contains another missed opportunity (verses 3-5):

Wherefore, a commandment I give unto you, that you shall not purchase wine neither strong drink of your enemies;

Wherefore, you shall partake of none except it is made new among you; yea, in this my Father’s kingdom which shall be built up on the earth.

Behold, this is wisdom in me; wherefore, marvel not, for the hour cometh that I will drink of the fruit of the vine with you on the earth,

Wouldn't this have been a perfect time for God to mention that alcohol is forbidden?  Because if the problem was that we shouldn't trust enemies of the church and therefore shouldn't buy our sacrament wine from them, wouldn't it have been easier to kill two birds with one stone and tell us not to use wine at all?  Because then we'll follow the forthcoming Word of Wisdom and we also won't buy wine from bad people.

But this isn't merely a careless omission, because in verse 5, God says that we'll drink together someday.  The church, God, and the prophets of old will uncork a bottle of a fine vintage together and share the stuff God hasn't yet decided it's immoral to drink.

That makes sense.

Sinful Syntax
Even though this is supposed to be the voice of an angel delivering the words of God, this still reeks of human invention (verse 7):

And also John the son of Zacharias, which Zacharias he (Elias) visited and gave promise that he should have a son, and his name should be John, and he should be filled with the spirit of Elias;

I find it hard to believe that a perfect, omniscient god would be so sloppy with his pronouns that he needs to throw in a quick parenthetical clarification so that we know who the hell he's talking about.  Surely someone of his glory and his intellect could have come up with a way to structure the sentence that would have been less vague and more elegant.

Who Is Your God Now?
Forgive me for beating a dead horse here, but I need to revisit a recurring theme in my commentary (see Three-God Monte and Guess the Narrator, Episode 18):  who the hell is talking right now?  Verse 14 is a conveniently short example:

And also with all those whom my Father hath given me out of the world.

So, the beginning of this section exhorts us to listen to "Jesus Christ, your Lord, your God, and your Redeemer," which is already problematic as far as the identity of the godhead is concerned. The rest of the chapter is peppered with concepts that give conflicting hints as to whose words we're reading. There are several references to "my Father," implying the speaker is Jesus, but there are also claims that sound like they should be God the Father's: people he's sent or committed keys to; advisement to put on his whole armor (a reference to Paul's extended metaphor of the armor of God); references to my kingdom as opposed to Jesus's usual "my father's kingdom." Seems to me that in the absence of a script with the speaking roles clearly labeled, the simplest explanation for all this is—I can't believe I'm saying this—the Trinity.  

This only lines up if God and Jesus are the same people only not really.  They can't be completely distinct and they can't be completely unified, otherwise the narration of this section is an absolute mess.

But, of course, Mormonism isn't Trinitarian.  Right?

Put on the Whole Plumber's Outfit of God

One last thought from the last verse:

And take the helmet of salvation...

I realize I'm picking a fight with the apostle Paul and not with Mormonism, but salvation is a destination or a goal. The other parts of this metaphor are qualities and tools. Why have a helmet made out of the very thing your armor is supposed to help you achieve?

If we were to transpose the Armor of God concept from salvation to Super Mario, the helmet would be the Super Star or something.  What kind of sense would it make for the helmet to represent Princess Peach?

D&C 26: Revelation Unplugged

Here we have a stripped-down counterpart to some of the lengthier, flowerier revelations.  This is just two verses long.  After some pretty basic, mundane instructions in the first paragraph, the second addresses something that just seems laughable when applied to the modern church:

And all things shall be done by common consent in the church, by much prayer and faith, for all things you shall receive by faith. Amen.

Common acquiescence, you mean.  Giving consent implies that a lack of consent is supposed to change something. Those who vote to sustain church leadership are agreeing with decisions they have no power to affect.  Those who vote to oppose church leadership are suffering under...how would Cook say it...non-consensual dominion, maybe?

This is, of course, driven home by the voting at the April 2020 General Conference, in which the apostles, isolated from an audience due to the viral pandemic, asked everyone around the world to vote.  And then, without having thousands of conference center attendees to provide a facade of visible consent, the apostles behaved as though the members had provided that consent.  Or maybe they behaved as though member consent was completely unnecessary to the administrative processes of the church.  How weird that those two behaviors could look exactly the same.

D&C 25: The Fantastic Mrs. Smith

God has some words of instruction for Emma, the "elect lady" to whom the prophet of the restoration owes a great deal.  Spoiler alert:  this is not the most forward-thinking, feminist-allied, equality-driven text ever to be attributed to God.  I think we've all certainly heard much worse, but it's still not great.

Conditional Lineage

This section introduces an objectionable concept right out of the gate:

Hearken unto the voice of the Lord your God, while I speak unto you, Emma Smith, my daughter; for verily I say unto you, all those who receive my gospel are sons and daughters in my kingdom.

I'll say it again...God is a shitty parent.  Here, he explains that the reason he calls Emma his daughter is because she's accepted his gospel.  Look, my actual, non-spiritual, biological dad and I have had our differences, but he considers me his son because I'm his literal offspring regardless of whether I've followed in his footsteps or made life choices he disagrees with.  If God is really a loving parent, Emma should be called his daughter not because she's accepted the gospel but because she's his spiritual offspring.

Mysterious Ways

Verse 4 contains another one of God's non-answer answers to the concerns of one of his potential followers:

Murmur not because of the things which thou hast not seen, for they are withheld from thee and from the world, which is wisdom in me in a time to come.

Wow.  Don't have concerns that you have no evidence for this stuff, because the very mechanism for which you have no evidence assures you that there's a very good reason for the lack of evidence.

With circular logic like this, who needs circular logic?

Women's Work

When God gets around to explaining to Emma what her role will be in building his kingdom it's...it's a bit disappointing (verse 5):

And the office of thy calling shall be for a comfort unto my servant, Joseph Smith, Jun., thy husband, in his afflictions, with consoling words, in the spirit of meekness.

Uh, that's not a divine calling.  That's just being a good spouse.  And this does kind of come across as sexist.  If she's really such an elect lady, why is her job just to make the man in charge feel better?  Elect ladies can do other things in addition to being doting wives.  They can even get elected to things.

That's probably the sloppiest pun setup I've ever been guilty of in my entire life.  And that's saying something.

Women's Work II

God starts to get into more detail about Emma's duties and says some stuff that really doesn't sound like the kind of thing God would say through his apostolic mouthpieces these days (verse 7):

And thou shalt be ordained under his hand to expound scriptures, and to exhort the church, according as it shall be given thee by my Spirit.

Oh, here we go!  Now she gets to do more stuff!  Maybe she really is elect!  Or maybe not?  The phraseology here is interesting.  Ordained?  Under Joseph's hand?  Sounds kinda like a laying on of hands to receive a priesthood office.  But she's a woman, so that idea is ludicrous, right?

Perhaps she's a glorified Sunday school teacher or something.  That's still cooler than "make Joseph feel better" but still underwhelming considering how awesome God says she is. 

Women's Work III

Emma gets a special assigning in verses 11 and 12:

And it shall be given thee, also, to make a selection of sacred hymns, as it shall be given thee, which is pleasing unto me, to be had in my church.

For my soul delighteth in the song of the heart; yea, the song of the righteous is a prayer unto me, and it shall be answered with a blessing upon their heads.

God's reaaaaally playing up that hymnal to make it sound like he gave her an important job, isn't he?  She can't serve a mission, she can't heal the sick, she can't lead men, she can't baptize (that we know of), but she gets to pick the hymns, so...she's got that going for her, which is nice.

This is definitely better than nothing, but remember that the office of her calling is to comfort her husband.

Parting Wisdom

In his closing remarks, God imparts this gem (verse 14):

Continue in the spirit of meekness, and beware of pride. Let thy soul delight in thy husband, and the glory which shall come upon him.

Be humble, beware of pride, and rejoice that your husband is super awesome.  There's a baked-in hypocrisy here considering that the same person telling her to be humble and beware of pride is the person on whom the stated glory will be bestowed.

But don't forget your husband is totally the coolest.  What a life for Emma.