Notes on the Sunday Evening Session

Nelson really has this Conference jam-packed with goodies for the members.  During this session, he announced seven new temples as well as a new "ministering" program that will replace home teaching and visiting teaching.  He seems to be taking full advantage of his first hundred days in office, although I'm pretty sure that's not a rule of thumb for prophets the way it is for presidents.  It's easy to see how some of these changes may energize the membership, and if the numbers reported on LDS.org yesterday are any indication, he's wise to prescribe a shot of adrenaline to the church. 

But here are some of the doctrinal insights shared during this final session of Conference:

We have made the decision to retire home teaching and visiting teaching as we have known them.  Instead, we will implement a newer, holier approach to caring and ministering to others. We will refer to these efforts simply as "ministering."  Effective ministering efforts are enabled by the innate gifts of the sisters and by the incomparable power of the priesthood.

—Russell M. Nelson

I know I've made points about sexism several times in the last couple of days, but this might be the most important indicator during this conference about how women aren't actually equal in the gospel.

The sisters have innate gifts.  The men have incomparable power.  And that's straight from the prophet himself.  Just look at the differences in the language.  "Incomparable power" is a soaring, superlative phrase.  "Innate gifts" is respectful and complimentary, sure, but it doesn't have the altitude given to the men.

I bear my own witness that these adjustments [to the elders quorums and the home and visiting teaching programs] are examples of the revelation that has guided this church from its beginning.  They are yet more evidence that the Lord is hastening his work in its time. 

—Jeffrey R. Holland

The Lord has been hastening his work since the middle of the nineteenth century.  We're closing in on the two hundred year mark.  When is he going to hurry up and hasten for real?

Simple as [the planned policy of quarterly interviews between bishops and ministering companionships] sounds, my friends, those interviews are absolutely crucial.  Without that information, the bishop will have no way to receive the information he needs regarding the spiritual and temporal conditions of his people. 

—Jeffrey R. Holland

Really?  The bishop will have no other way to find out what the spiritual and temporal status of his ward is?  I mean, he could also ask other people.  Realistically, bishops have a lot to do, so it would be kind of unfair to expect him to hunt everybody down to ask about any important spiritual or temporal needs.  

But...didn't the Lord provide a way for bishops to receive important information directly?  I believe it's called revelation?  Bishops can receive revelation for those in their stewardships?  You know, that long-established teaching of the LDS church?  Not ringing any bells?

Breaking news—the thing that the prophet spent fifteen minutes teaching about in the previous session of conference doesn't actually work because bishops have no other way to gather information other than having people report to him.

She replied, "We discovered that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the closest to Jesus Christ's original church than any other church we know of."

—Gérald Caussé

I call bullshit.

This was a mayor whom Caussé had been trying to convince to allow a new church building to be built in her city.  So she did some firsthand research, apparently, visited an LDS meetinghouse, talked with members and with people who lived next to the chapel, and then came back to Caussé and said this.

Come on.

First of all, it's really not that close, in my opinion.  Secondly, nobody alive has actually seen Christ's original church on account of it existing two thousand years ago, so how does this woman feel qualified to say something like this?  It just sounds like a faith-promoting story to make Mormons feel good about being Mormon (like the infamous "light in their eyes" anecdotes), and it sounds so much like that as to muffle any ring of truth.  The phrasing of her comment is so perfect.  What are the odds that this happened?  If it did happen, what are the odds that her reaction wasn't exaggerated upon retelling?

Where do we stand today in fulfilling these divinely appointed responsibilities?  First, with respect to Moses's restoration of the keys for the gathering of Israel, today almost 70,000 missionaries are spread across the earth, preaching his gospel to gather his elect.  This is the commencement of the fulfillment of the great and marvelous work Nephi foresaw among both the Gentiles and the House of Israel.

—Quentin L. Cook

They're teasing the numbers again, kind of like when the church essay on polygamy said that Joseph Smith married a girl who was "several months shy of her fifteenth birthday" to avoid saying she was fourteen. 

The number of full-time missionaries in the report posted online yesterday is 67,049.  Yes, that is almost 70,000.  But when most people approximate a number like that, they'd probably round down to either 65,000—or 67,000 if they're being a little more precise.  And I don't think precision is what Cook is worried about because the number of missionaries is dropping.  He needs the number to sound high, so he rounds up to "almost 70,000" so it isn't so apparent how far the numbers have plummeted since 2014's peak of 85,147.  This is the third consecutive year that number has decreased.

Like many church critics expected and like some apostles did not predict, lowering the age of missionary service resulted in only a temporary swelling of the ranks.  The bubble has burst, Cook.  It's time to come back to reality.

It is commendable that non-consensual immorality has been exposed and denounced.  Such non-consensual immorality is against the laws of God and of society.

—Quentin L. Cook

Very true.  So what is God and/or his church planning to to with Joseph Bishop, who has admitted to committing non-consensual immorality while serving in a position of priesthood authority?  Nice nod to the MeToo movement, sure, but...remember that that old saying about monies and mouths?

In the Lord's church, the only culture we adhere to and teach is the culture of the gospel of Jesus Christ.  The unity we seek is to be unified with the savior and his teachings.  As we look at the primary purposes of the church, they are but based on equality before the Lord and following the culture of the gospel of Jesus Christ.

 —Quentin L. Cook

I really like that he denounced tribalism a second before this.  But the church really isn't based on equality.  The Bible has a lot of stuff about how Israel is God's favorite people and the Gentiles are lame.  The Book of Mormon parrots that as well and adds its own Nephite/Lamanite dichotomy.  Plus there's also that pesky teaching that God uses dark skin color to signify wickedness.  And I could get into the sexism stuff again but I think we're all tired of that.

The point is, the LDS church has a feeble grasp on the concept of equality.  And while American culture is almost certainly less unified than Mormon culture, all is not exactly well in Zion either.

With respect to missionary work, the principal qualifications for baptism are humbling oneself before God and coming forth with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  Education, wealth, race, or national origin are not even considered. 

—Quentin L. Cook

Another qualification is denouncing your parent if he or she is currently in a same-sex relationship.  Look how egalitarian we are!

In the sacred sealing room, the eternal marriage ordinance is the same for everyone.  I love the fact that the couple from the humblest background and the couple from the wealthiest background have exactly the same experience.

—Quentin L. Cook 

Wow, it sure wasn't the same for everyone forty-one years ago.  That's because before 1978, the eternal marriage ordinance didn't happen if you were black.  I mean, it's great that this is no longer in effect, but it takes a special kind of arrogance to preach to the world that your organization is a big welcoming tent that treats everyone the same when you have so much racism in your past, so much sexism and homophobia in your present, and your progress has lagged behind American society in a way that should be humiliating for an organization claiming to represent a benevolent god.

  

There has been a significant increase in the number of worthy adult temple recommend holders for many years.  Limited use recommends for worthy youth have increased dramatically over the last two years.  Clearly, the faithful core membership of the church has never been stronger.

—Quentin L. Cook

I can't believe it took me until the final minutes of the closing session of General Conference to dust this old classic off, but...

Half-seriously, maybe the next person shouting from the audience during Conference shouldn't yell "Opposed!" or "Stop protecting sexual predators!"  Maybe that person should yell "Citation needed!"  Not really though.  The sexual predator thing is a much more urgent issue that the church needs to fix.  We can worry about fudged numbers later.

But this was strikingly similar oral excrement to Cook's performance in General Conference two years ago, when he explained that not very many people resign and that "the Church has never been stronger."  He was, perhaps a little less defensive this time, but it was still a bold assertion easily challenged by anecdotal evidence.  And it was an assertion that can't be proved or disproved by any old schmuck off the street.  Who has the statistics for the number of adult and youth temple recommends?  The same organization who has the church financial records!

By which I mean:  not you.

You just have to take his word for it.  Because he's been totally honest in the past and has no reason lie, so I'm sure the numbers that he didn't give us are completely accurate.

One interesting note is that he seems to be retreating from his 2015 comment a little, because here he's focusing on the "faithful core membership of the church" as opposed to the church membership as a whole.  Maybe the apostles are finally starting to see the writing on the spreadsheet.

Our message to the world is simple and sincere.  We invite all of God's children on both sides of the veil to come unto their savior, receive the blessings of the holy temple, have enduring joy, and qualify for eternal life.

—Russell M. Nelson 

Well...not all of God's children.  Not the disfellowshipped or excommunicated ones who've apostatized or criticized the church or decided to marry someone who happens to share the same kind of genitals, right?  And not the younger ones who won't denounce their parents' homosexual lifestyles, right?

But all of God's other children are welcome.  At least, as of 1978. 

 

And there you have it.  It was a surprisingly eventful series of broadcasts.  General Conference is usually referred to as a historic event, and this one at least may have lived up to the usual hype.  It will be interesting to see how the church adapts to the changes Nelson announced and it will be fascinating to see if he continues pushing more changes to try to keep the "faithful core membership of the church" engaged.

Notes on the Sunday Morning Session

And the hits keep coming....

Our greatest desire should be to labor diligently so we can prepare the way for the glorious return of our savior.

—Reyna I. Aburto

This lady was so close.  So close!  She delivered a beautiful call to action for us to exercise love for our neighbors through selfless service.  She provided several examples of regional and local LDS organizations pitching in when a specific need was identified, including a Chilean ward offering Spanish classes to Haitian immigrants in their country and members with boats ferrying families around the Houston area in the wake of last year's hurricane.  And then she says this....

No.  Our greatest desire should be to alleviate the suffering of our fellow human beings.  Our desire should be to make our world a better place to live because we care about people.  We shouldn't help just because we think it's going to usher in an age of religious euphoria.

That being said, what these people in her examples did is terrific and I sincerely applaud them.  I would imagine that most of them participated because of a genuine desire to help and serve.  But the whole point of this kind of service is that we sacrifice our own time and our own concerns to put others' more urgent or more severe needs first.  Religion shouldn't be a part of that decision.  A hurricane flattened a city.  Ulterior motives are kind of inappropriate in that sort of emergency.

But other than that one comment out of a ten-minute speech, Aburto may have given the most agreeable sermon of the conference so far.

I exhort [inactives and/or apostates] to reflect and to return because I believe that no one will be able to make excuses before our Lord Jesus Christ.

—Claudio D. Zivic

"I urge you to put your life on an almost opposite course because the God I believe in is petty enough to dismiss an honorable existence simply because you found his official church untenable or unfulfilling."  As far as inactives and apostates go, this exhortation will probably fall upon deaf ears.  It's like the Pope telling Jews how they should live their lives.

However, there is a possibility this may be effective on members whose faith is beginning to slip.  A little doubt here, a skipped Sacrament Meeting there, maybe an attempt to weasel out of a calling...anyone who's recently begun any of these kinds of little negative behaviors may consider this a warning to get back in line.  Because if you still mostly believe in the church and you're just struggling with a couple of things, the implication that you're going to have to stand at the bar of God one day and make some lame excuse about how you just didn't think you'd have time every week to prepare a lesson if you were called as the Gospel Doctrine teacher is probably pretty scary.

The cultural currents are so strong that if we ever stop paddling we will be carried downstream toward a destination we do not seek but which becomes inevitable if we do not constantly try to move forward.

—Dallin H. Oaks

Inevitable?  Come on, man, stop trying to terrify people.

In your metaphor, it's not inevitable.  You can still get to the destination even if you stop paddling temporarily, it'll just take a little longer.  You're trying to make the point that if we stop trying, even for a little while, we'll be dragged downstream to whatever horrible metaphorical fate awaits at the mouth of the river.

But not only is that ridiculous, it's completely unfair.  Life is hard—especially as a Mormon balancing so many different responsibilities.  There should be absolutely no shame whatsoever if you can't fire on all cylinders all the time.  There's nothing wrong with needing a break.  I suppose my argument may not really apply that well to sins of commission, but as far as omission goes, we need to cut ourselves some slack.  Oaks is pretending like skipping a Family Home Evening during a hectic week or not showing up to a quorum service project because of competing obligations is akin to the first step down the slippery slope.  

Listen, if your arms get too tired, stop paddling.  Pausing isn't giving up, and considering there's a lot of effort required, sometimes a break can be reinvigorating.  Don't turn the kayak around and paddle downstream or anything (I guess that would be your sins of commission in this metaphor), but take a moment to catch your breath, stretch your arms, and then keep going.  Don't let Oaks tell you you're risking your eternal fate by taking five.  Any god worth believing in will understand how much is being asked of you, how hard you're working, and how dedicated you truly are.

Similarly, even small acts of disobedience or minor failures to follow righteous practices can draw us down toward an outcome we have been warned to avoid.

—Dallin H. Oaks

Okay, so I guess now the metaphor is situated along the Y-axis instead of the X-axis?  This is fear-mongering, plain and simple.  Should we celebrate our minor failures?  Of course not.  But neither should we treat them like gateway drugs to murder, rape, devil worship, and spiritual death.

  

One thing is certain:  the terrible consequences of partaking of anything that can become addictive, like drugs that attack our bodies or pornographic material that degrades our thoughts, is totally avoidable if we never partake for the first time, even once.

—Dallin H. Oaks

I'm impressed with you guys.  You're going easy on pornography this conference.  

I don't entirely disagree with this statement.  I use similar reasoning for why I still have never had  any alcohol.  But the difference is that I've made that choice myself based on my own goals and my own knowledge of my own habits.  But I'm a little leery of this advice coming in such absolute terms from someone in such an influential position.  And, let's be honest, any addictive qualities of porn are not the reasons you want people to abstain.  You'd be against it almost as vociferously even if viewing it once didn't generally make people want to view it a second time. 

But if you're so against addictive things, why are you so careful to advise us not to partake of tea or coffee but so silent about caffeine?  Why have energy drinks not been added to the Word of Wisdom?

Oh, also...since he's irritated me so much, I wanted to cavil a little.  Oaks is saying "the terrible consequences...is totally avoidable."  Plural subject.  Singular verb.  Rookie mistake from someone of Oaks's intellect and experience with formal oratory.  Just sayin'.  Although I'm sure he was speaking as a man, at least in a grammatical sense.

Because I know that good inspiration is based upon good information, I prayerfully met one-on-one with each apostle.

—Russell M. Nelson

Good inspiration is based on good information??  What??  So when Nephi constructed a boat and sailed to America it was because he'd first walked back to Jerusalem to ask a master shipbuilder what kind of wood he should use?  So when God came to Joseph in a dream and warned him to flee with Mary and Jesus, it was because Joseph had been keeping a keen eye on the political climate and had anticipated that there may be an order issued to murder children under two?  So when Joseph Smith produced the Book of Mormon it was only possible because he had gone to his local library first to read up on Reformed Egyptian so he could translate a made-up language more effectively?

Way to take the magic out of the the process of divine inspiration, chief.  

And, actually, even more troubling is stuff like Saul of Tarsus and Alma the Younger.  Those men received inspiration in the form of angelic visitation that turned them from dedicated opponents of the church into even more dedicated servants of God.  What kind of good information would they have gathered before any of that happened?

I testify that the Lord instructed me to select President Dallin H. Oaks and President Henry B. Eyring to serve with me as counselors in the First Presidency.

—Russell M. Nelson

"Instructed."  Nice.  It makes it sound like you converse with God, but it's vague enough on the procedure to avoid sounding crazy.  Was it face-to-face?  Was it a voice you heard?  Glowing characters on a rock in your hat?  A message written in the steam on your bathroom mirror?

It's gotta be tough to walk that line in the modern era.  The church was founded on visions and heavenly visitations, but nowadays too much of that talk is gonna make you sound like you forgot to put on your tinfoil hat this morning.  So you have to imply strongly that there is some kind of holy line of communication between the leadership and the heavens because that's what gives you your legitimacy, but you have to do it without sharing any details whatsoever to avoid turning off any investigating non-believers entirely.  

To his credit, Nelson is walking that line with a balance, an agility, and a grace that you wouldn't expect from a 93-year-old acrobat.

Does God really want to speak to you?  Yes!  "As well might man stretch forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course...as to hinder the Almighty from pouring down knowledge from heaven upon the heads of the Latter-day Saints."

—Russell M. Nelson

If God really wants to speak to us, then why does he make it so goddamn difficult to get access to his voice?  Why do we, as Nelson termed it earlier, have to "grow into" the principle of revelation?  Maybe man's arm isn't so puny as it says in the Doctrine and Covenants if we can foil the Almighty God's attempts to communicate with us with nothing but sheer force of incompetence.

I know I've probably beaten this point to death many times here, but considering God is compared almost constantly with a loving parent, correspondence shouldn't be so complicated.  If my dad wants to speak to me, he sends an email or a text message or he picks up the phone.  If my heavenly dad wants to speak to me, I have to reach out first, be worthy of his spirit of inspiration, study things out in my mind, and grow into receiving revelation.  By that logic, I should be able to dam the Missouri by dipping my thumb in the shallows.

You do not have to wonder what is true.  You do not have to wonder who you can safely trust.  Through personal revelation, you can receive your own witness that the Book of Mormon is the word of God, that Joseph Smith is a prophet of this dispensation, and that this is the Lord's church.  Regardless of what others may say or do, no one can ever take away a witness borne to your heart and mind about what is true. 

—Russell M. Nelson

Actually, we do have to wonder what is true.  Doctrine and Covenants 28:11 reads:

And again, thou shalt take thy brother, Hiram Page, between him and thee alone, and tell him that those things which he hath written from that stone are not of me and that Satan deceiveth him;

The section header summarizes:  "Satan deceived Hiram Page and gave him false revelations."

So, it's scripturally established that we can receive fake revelations from Satan.  So, through personal revelation we can receive a personal witness of all that stuff Nelson mentions.  But, theoretically, we could also receive a false personal witness that Kanye West is actually Jesus Christ and that he'll be ushering in the New Millennium any day now.  Or, for a less drastic example, we could receive a false witness that the LDS Church has deviated from the gospel restored by Joseph Smith and that we should join Denver Snuffer's Mormon sect.

So there's always room for doubt.  The scriptures teach that.  Kind of weird that the prophet teaches something different than what's in the scriptures, isn't it?