Alma 56: Armies of Helaman

Helaman makes an appearance again, writing a letter to Moroni to inform him of all the cool stuff he's been doing with the Stripling Warriors.

Talk About Snail Mail

Moroni receives Helaman's epistle at the beginning of the thirtieth year of the reign of the judges. The story Helaman tells him begins in the twenty-sixth year of the reign of the judges and continues for another year or two.  This means that, at best, Moroni is learning of events two years after they took place.  

No wonder the Nephites are struggling in their war with the Lamanites.  Captain Moroni is supposed to be in charge of all the Nephite armies and his information is two years out of date.  Perhaps the Nephites' Tapir Express still hadn't ironed out all the kinks.

Pesky Punctuation

As Helaman's two thousand Stripling Warriors brace for their very first taste of combat, he marvels at their bravery.  He learns that their mothers taught them that God would deliver them so long as they put their unwavering faith in him.  This story is often cited in Sacrament Meeting talks on Mother's Day because there aren't a lot of female role models in the Book of Mormon.  Here's what Helaman relates in verse 48:

And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying: We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

It's interesting to me that, based on the way this sentence is punctuated, the Stripling Warriors don't actually profess to have a testimony of this principle themselves.  It could have been written as "We do not doubt; our mothers knew it" or "We do not doubt because our mothers knew it."  That would point to a parent's testimony bolstering a child's.  But instead it's simply presented as "We do not doubt our mothers knew it."  Which basically means that they knew their mothers had faith.  It doesn't mean they shared the faith themselves.

I mean, I don't doubt that my mother knows that there are blessings that come from paying tithing.  I don't doubt that for a second.  But I do doubt the principle that she believes in.  Just because mom "knows" something doesn't mean that her "knowledge" is accurate.

Slippery Perspective

Helaman's letter is told almost entirely in first person perspective.  He refers to himself as "I" and his army as "we" all the way up to an abrupt change in verse 52:

And it came to pass that the Lamanites took courage, and began to pursue them; and thus were the Lamanites pursuing them with great vigor when Helaman came upon their rear with his two thousand, and began to slay them exceedingly, insomuch that the whole army of the Lamanites halted and turned upon Helaman.

"Helaman."  "He."  "Helaman."

I bet Brennan would have a thing or two to say about the anthropological evidence for these stories.

Why does Helaman suddenly forget that the tale he's telling was experienced directly by him?  It switches back to first person by verse 54, but you have to wonder why Moroni didn't think it was weird that Helaman referred to himself in the third person a few times in the middle of the letter.

Did Joseph Smith make a mistake in the dictation of the Book of Mormon?  Did he get so caught up in the depiction of battle that he forgot to keep his perspective consistent?  It does seem in keeping with his first-novel-rookie-mistake thing.

A Little Over-the-Top

Helaman winds up throwing his two thousand green, untested troops into battle to save the tired forces of Antipus from the Lamanites and miraculously, he emerges victorious.  Even more miraculously, none of his warriors are killed.  

It's not the worst example in the Book of Mormon of an event miraculous to the point of absurdity (Lamoni and his strangely contagious fainting disease is another contender), but it's up there.  Two thousand kids who've never been to war before go up against a hardened Lamanite army and win...without losing a single life?  I get that this is supposed to be the power of God at work, but it's just a little too much to stomach for me.  It's miraculous enough without the casualty report, but Joseph had to take it one step further so that it crosses from astounding to ridiculous.

The poor guy just couldn't resist a story embellishment, whether it was a good idea or not.  Just wait until we get to Shiz.

My Very Own Mormon Spy

Every few months or so, I get a voicemail from the missionaries.  It's usually a sister who calls, sweetly asking for us to meet up sometime so that they can get to know me or whatever.    But two months ago, I guess the sister missionaries decided they needed some backup.  I received this voicemail two days after their quarterly phone call:

"Hi, this message is for Alexander [surname].  My name is Sean [surname], I am part of the Elders quorum presidency for the [location] branch of the LDS church.  Please call me back at [phone number]."

I don't know you.  You clearly don't know me.  You didn't even make up a good reason for me to call you back.  What the hell kind of message is this?

So I saved the number in my phone under "Elders Quorum Toolbag" because of his douchey tone of voice and waited to see if he ever bothered calling back.  So far, he hasn't,

At work yesterday, I happened to glance at the name on a customer's credit card receipt.  It was Sean [surname].  It's not a common surname, either.  I've never known anyone with this name before.  Curious to meet this Elders Quorum Toolbag, I made sure I was the one to finish the order personally.  To my astonishment, this guy turned out to be one of my regulars.

*cue shocking revelation sound effect...fade to black...eerie titlecard...roll credits*

Listening to the message again, the voice is a match too.  It's gotta be the same dude.  This guy's been secretly spying on me all along!  Waltzing his wife and children in to my restaurant a few times a week so he can keep an eye on the apostate!  Hiding his identity from me so that I'd never suspect I was under surveillance!  How despicable!

I'm honestly not sure if he knows.  It's not like I've ever caught the guy eyeing me up suspiciously or anything.  But I'm sure there's a little bit of basic information about me bouncing around in certain circles, so it's very possible that some members of the branch know where I work.  

Now I'll just have to pay closer attention next time I see him.  Because if I know who he is and he doesn't know who I am, this could be fun.

Alma 55: The Rescue-Heist-Attack

Moroni receives Ammoron's response to his letter and reacts like an incensed third grader who's just been told he's a stupidpants.


Let's Make This More Complicated
Upon receipt of Ammoron's correspondence, Moroni blows a gasket because "he knew that Ammoron knew that it was not a just cause that had caused him to wage a war against the people of Nephi."  Apparently the flimsy political argument Ammoron made had enraged Moroni so much that he completely failed to notice that Ammoron was agreeing to Moroni's absurd proposal for exchanging prisoners.  Instead of going ahead with the swap, Moroni decides to take a more dangerous tack by stealing his countrymen back from the Lamanites.

Why can't Moroni just swallow his pride and go through with a peaceful exchange?  So what if Ammoron's reasons for waging war are stupid?  Surely a man as righteous as Moroni has the integrity to stick to agreements he's proposed and the wisdom to avoid risking more lives over a fit of indignant wrath.


Only One Lamanite Among Them
Moroni's plan to steal back his imprisoned Nephites involves some intrigue and he needs a Lamanite to pull it off.  So he organizes a search to find a descendant of Laman among the Nephites and his men find...one.  Apparently every single other person of Lamanite descent is kicking it with the wicked, savage warmongering tribe down south.

It turns out that the reason this guy is around is because he was a former servant of the Lamanite king and Amalickiah had used him as a patsy for his murderous coup.  Because the only logical reason for a Lamanite to be chilling with the good guys is for him to have fled his own country out of fear for his life.

It gets better because this guy's only real usefulness is that he looks like the Lamanites and can blend in with the enemy.  He's only valued because his skin color makes him look like another one of those wicked, savage warmongers.  And to top it off, he even has a stereotypical Lamanite name:  Laman.

The Math Doesn't Add Up
The Nephite prisoners are being held in the city of Gid.  So this Laman guy walks up to the guards around the city one fine evening.  He poses as an escaped prisoner who liberated some wine from Bountiful on his way out of the city.  He proceeds to give them the wine (doesn't this sound familiar?) and they guzzle it down until they all pass out.  I guess those wicked, savage warmongers don't have any sense of self-control.

My question is how much wine did Laman have?  In order to get every last Lamanite guard drunk enough, there would have to have been a lot.  Laman did have an unspecified number of men with him (how, exactly, did the Lamanites not notice they were white?), but there's no mention of whether any kind of vehicle or beast of burden was present to transport the alcohol.  I find it hard to believe that these "escaped prisoners" would have walked all the way from Bountiful each carrying a barrel of wine.  But it's just as unlikely that the plan would have worked if Laman had said, "...and on our way out of the city, we stole these three hundred gallons of wine and loaded them up onto these carts!"

Unless, of course, those wicked, savage warmongers were stupid enough to only keep a handful of guards at night.  Then Laman wouldn't need nearly as much to get them suitably soused.


Pacifism, Thy Name is Moroni
Verse 18 mentions that, in their extremely inebriated state, the Lamanite guards would have been very easy for the Nephites to kill.  The next verse continues:

But behold, this was not the desire of Moroni; he did not delight in murder or bloodshed...he would not fall upon the Lamanites and destroy them in their drunkenness.

Okay, so Moroni doesn't delight in bloodshed, he just does it a lot, even when he really doesn't need to?  Passing on one opportunity for violence doesn't undo a history of aggression, vindictiveness and overkill.


Arm the Prisoners?  Are you an Idiot?
Laman and his team have sneaked into the city of Gid with their oh-so-clever wine trick, but they don't free the captives.  Why not?  Because Moroni's plan is to give the prisoners weapons.  Then Moroni's army will march on the city.  This way, when the Lamanites wake up, they'll be surrounded on the outside and surrounded on the inside.

We'll call it the Krispy Kreme Offensive

If the Nephite army is already going to surround Gid overnight, why would they leave the prisoners inside?  Sure, they're armed, but they're just as much surrounded as the Lamanites are and they're completely cut off from the support of their rescuers. Also, if they're unable to hold their own against the hungover Lamanite forces, the city of Gid gets some free hostages.   But apparently, in Moroni's mind, attacking from behind enemy lines is a great idea in every possible situation. You're surrounding the city, you moron!  Why complicate things for no good reason?


I Wonder Why that Didn't Work
After the bizarre success at Gid, the Nephites ride a wave of military momentum.  The Lamanites, however, keep trying to turn the tide of the war back in their favor (verses 30-31):

And many times did [the Lamanites] attempt to administer of their wine to the Nephites, that they might destroy them with poison or with drunkenness.

But behold, the Nephites were not slow to remember the Lord their God in this their time of affliction.  They could not be taken in their snares; yea, they would not partake of their wine, save they had first given to some of the Lamanite prisoners.

So...the Nephites weren't stupid enough to fall for the exact same trick they'd just used to take the city of Gid?  That's astonishing.  But it's important to remember that the reason for this isn't that they're not complete idiots—it's because they remembered their God and he made sure they didn't fall for any obviously transparent ploys of the Lamanites.