Wednesday, April 4, 2012

If Mormons Wrote American History

Let's say, for a bit of fun, that the American government is run the same way that the LDS church is run.  Which means, of course, it would exert an undue amount of influence on the representation of its own history.  So what would happen if America wrote its history the way Mormonism would?

The concept behind this, of course, would be the assumption that America is and always has been perfect, the best government on the planet populated with the most upstanding citizens and led by the most virtuous leaders.    The history would have to be modified to match that idea.

So let's begin at the beginning.

George Washington
Washington restored the fullness of democracy, which had been absent from the earth since the classical period.  Though he single-handedly established the greatest government ever to grace the earth, writing both the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution, he wanted to stress the fact that the government was not about the power of one man, and he willingly resigned from the Presidency following his second term.  He retired to his humble cabin in Virginia, where he lived with his wife Martha until he was murdered by a pair of King George III's assassins in 1799.

Native Americans
The fledgling nation was relentlessly persecuted by the American Indians.  The Indians were native to the regions just outside America's borders, from Florida up to Canada.  The Indians were an evil, judgmental group of people who hated America because of its success and its purity.  They fabricated rationales for their hatred and waged a series of wars.  But then Andrew Jackson was sent out as a missionary for democracy in 1817.  One by one, the Indian tribes realized the error of their ways and joined the democracy.  Though some of them moved out of the country later, none of the Indians ever denied the perfection of the American government.

It never happened.  Well, it did for a little while, but it was government-sponsored and completely humane.  There was an economic disparity at the time, and if blacks hadn't been with their slaveowners, they would have been homeless and destitute, so it was in the interest of public welfare to put the institution of slavery in place.  Slaveowners were chosen by the state legislature for their economic means and high moral caliber.  Most of the people who owned slaves didn't want to do it but only accepted the calling in the interest of helping their fellow men.  The practice hasn't been officially sanctioned by the government for almost two hundred years.  A few people have practiced slavery since its cessation in 1863, but their actions are considered illegal and anyone caught participating is immediately stripped of citizenship and deported to Antarctica.  But other than that, it never happened.

The Civil War
This was a simple crisis of succession.  The country was split as to who should take over the Presidency after the illustrious and celebrated administration of James Buchanan.  Northerners tended to favor Abraham Lincoln, but many Southerners believed Jefferson Davis to be the nation's true leader.  The country was briefly divided into two opposing camps, but when Lincoln gave a public address at a Revolutionary War cemetery, the thousands of Americans present all witnessed him take on the form and voice of James Buchanan.  This was taken as a sign that he was indeed the true successor to the previous president.  Within two years, the overwhelming majority of the country had sworn their allegiance to Lincoln's administration.  Jefferson Davis and his few remaining followers established a crude mockery of democracy on one of the Florida Keys.  To this day, the Davisonite Democratic Republic remains a tiny, insignificant, economically poor and politically unstable nation.

Manifest Destiny
Having the truth of the fullness of democracy wasn't enough--America had to share what it knew with the world!  As the fastest-growing nation in the world, America's missionary efforts expanded to fill the globe.  By 1900, the United States had granted Cuba, Guam, the Philippines, New Zealand, Greenland, Mexico, and Panama statehood and given them full benefits of American democracy (Liberia remained a territory until 1978 because its inhabitants bore the mark of Cain).  There was a negligible part of the population that fled to Canada during this time period, but they mostly left the country because they wanted to practice communism.  Many of them were stripped of their citizenship or forcibly deported for preaching the supposed flaws of democracy, but we don't talk about that.

World War I
This was an entirely European issue.  The evil nations that had wallowed in communism finally broke into violence.  Though the United States did not agree with the ideologies of any of the aggressors, it compassionately sent humanitarian aid to the victims of war in all countries involved.  This aid was bolstered by the recent Sixteenth Amendment to the Constitution, which had instituted a ten percent income tax.  However, not much is known about how much aid was sent considering the IRS remained secretive about the receipt and expenditure of all funds.  Woodrow Wilson assured the nation that millions of dollars worth of aid was being sent to the war-ravaged countries, and there was no reason not to believe that.

This is the colloquial term for the First Amendment to the Constitution, which was ratified by all fourteen states by 1792.  This Amendment prohibited the production, sale and use of alcohol, tobacco, coffee and tea, except for sick cattle.  Later Amendments would add marijuana, Mountain Dew, bikinis and dildos to this list.

World War II
Threatened by the ever-growing economic and political power of the United States, Gemany, Japan and Italy formed an alliance.  Fueled by jealousy and hatred, they performed a coordinated attack on the mining town of Pearl Harbor, Nevada.  All life in the town was completely eradicated, including the women and children.  Though the World War I generation had sworn an oath of peace after seeing the horrors of war in Europe, their children had not.  These children took up arms to defend their country, and not one of them died.  Great Britain also played a minor role.

Watergate Scandal
President Richard Nixon personally caught two traitors, Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein, breaking into a government building to steal secrets that could jeopardize national security.  Woodward and Bernstein were summarily deported to Antarctica.

Vietnam War
Never happened.  It's a lie fabricated by enemies of the state in an attempt to discredit the nation's leadership.  The country of Vietnam doesn't exist and never has.  Congress advises all citizens to not read anything about Vietnam and assures them it's all lies anyway.  Those who claim to have fought in the war have been deceived.

Iraq War
The United States invaded Iraq based on intelligence stating that Iraq was holding and building weapons of mass destruction.  American forces effectively ousted Saddam Hussein.  Despite the fact that scientific research has failed to find any evidence that Iraq actually had any weapons of mass destruction, the American government asserts that the weapons were in fact recovered and are now safely stored inside a small hill in upstate New York.

Current State of the Nation
America has never had a period before of such prosperity, growth, and popularity.  America and its democracy will continue to grow until it has filled the whole Earth, ushering in an era of Utopian perfection.  Americans are good, hard-working people who exemplify virtue and honor in their daily lives.  If you'd like to know more, please visit or for more information.  Democracy--isn't it about...time?

This message brought to you by the United States of Latter-Day Americans.  

No comments:

Post a Comment